Music speaks to me, it's innate to me just as I assume that it's innate to those up on the stage. When I was a teenager when things were swirling around and chaotic I would hide with my headphones on or in my room with the music on. If I had a rhythm or no stagefright I think I would use these words that have compiled over the last few years into a greatest hits album, but alas God has gifted me with writing and I am going to use it. 

Here's the thing, for the last few months I've had this reoccurring dream that I was visibly pregnant and Adeline was about 3. Some could possibly see it (like I have) that it's a complete mind f*ck, but others have helped me to turn that viewpoint into something else. This is my birthing season, I am in the process of birthing something new, but this time it isn't a baby. I (and they) could be completely wrong, but I feel it like the cold breeze in the morning as you step outside after a hot and sweaty summer. It feels like that season of hiding those struggles, that insecurity about anxiety and PTSD is over, it's like I have my beats on and the loudest hype music blaring getting ready to enter the court on that championship game.

You're likely wondering if it's gone, it meaning the PTSD & anxiety and I want to say HECK no. I have found a lot of coping mechanisms for when it hits which I didn't have before, but instead of approaching it with a knife ready to kill it, I've learned to invite it to the dinner table. I've learned how to find the root of what is scared, anxious or feeling unacknowledged. The shift came months ago after I did a meditation with my therapist. For the longest, I would attack myself when PTSD or Panic would arise or when someone's disapproval or rejection would come. I called that berating "the panther" that was ready to pounce at any minute and let me tell you it pounced so much that I could no longer defend myself or get back up.

We did the meditation and what I called forth in my meditation was that panther to have a talk. For those not close to meditation I want to explain a little bit about it. It primarily focuses on the thing you want to heal or how to want to be. Sometimes I meditate to see what comes up and where it's coming from. My meditation usually starts with my safe-place so that I can remain grounded. What showed up that day in my meditation and in my visual mind was my 3-year-old self with her ruffle socks and side ponytail (ya'll not kidding). My mind showed me that inner panther was controlled by my 3-year-old self. I love my 3-year-old self, but ya'll my little self had a lot of trauma already and she was really good at following the rules. During that meditation, I was able to connect with her a moment and let that voice know that I hear it, but it's not serving me well as much as it would like to. Like a 3-year-old it didn't have much to say, but since then it's remained in check. By check I mean that voice is gone and if it does start pouncing I acknowledge it and allow it to know it is safe. 

For some, this might sound super weird but think about it as quiet time to check in with your subconscious inner self. I call it my mind check, to make sure that I am operating out of the peace that I want to have. So for the last few months, it's been me, my peace, my self-awareness in harmony and my hype music. It has been nice to see myself move from my safe music playlist that I use during my panic or anxiety to my happy playlist to my hype playlist. It's been a progression that I can physically see. Like I said earlier, it doesn't stop the anxiety or PTSD issues or the hiccups I have with people, but I've learned to use it - to make it my muse. 

It is literally about taking those scratches of pain, struggle, fear, panic on my inner playlist and using it. I am saying now LET IT BE! And ya'll can just say AMEN as I continue to open these 200+ pages of backlog writing. 

This is Loss - 4 Years Later

You're in the crosshairs - unsure if that pain will ever go away. I am here to say it's weird, it's like that awkward feeling before you drop from the top of a roller coaster to the bottom. You know the one where it will be fun, but you're scared poopless - except this is the exact opposite and "fun" really isn't the right word.  

4 years ago I was pregnant.
4 years and some change ago the baby that I was carrying had to die. 
4 years ago I was placed into a situation where there was no "good" outcome as a Momma. 

Some Doctors say that it's a fluke, but the truth is I will never know the reason why I had a second ectopic pregnancy. But I want to say it was because deep, hard, soul wrenching growth was needed to my heart, soul, and faith - I won't know if that's the "real" reason...but I like that one because it reminds me that the loss that we experienced that night was not for nothing. 

It's been 4 years and I've gone on to have one last baby - if you're wondering why I said last here's the keynote version: Due to this loss the shape of my uterus was "altered" and due to the structural change it required me to be monitored weekly and at the end twice a week. And let me not forget to mention that I had to deliver at 35 weeks out of concern for my uterus rupturing. We made it - life was good and I was at church and my uterus decided to defect. I had a mass blood hemorrhage over 24 hours that required 2 emergency surgeries, 9 blood transfusions, and a 5-day hospital stay. 

So life has "moved on", but 4 years later as Facebook reminded me - 4 years ago I was sitting in a Jethawks baseball stadium pregnant with this sweet baby that is no longer here. I can easily be brought to tears because this baby was healthy, but my body placed in the wrong spot so it had to die. And unlike what many believe happens after a loss - I haven't forgotten - I look at each of my sweet girls and know what lies between those sweet souls I see the ones who aren't here. And every "heaven" day is marked just like a birthday in my calendar because this was a part of my history - this was a part of our family history. It wasn't just a pregnancy, it was a set of dreams, hopes, plans and most of all it was a life we expected to enjoy. 

To answer you clearly - it doesn't get better, you just learn how to cope with the loss of your baby that you were carrying. There will be moments (even 4 years later) that you see photos and you're taken right back to that night that you lost and then there will be days in the future where you look into your children's faces and just find sweetest joy that they are here with you.