I stand here tonight.
This week has been a very challenging week and I couldn't fully explain why sometimes my heart can believe in the Redsox over God but tonight I finally could muster up the words. This topic came to my heart a few weeks ago and I only tonight I can explain my heart and my mind.
This past week I stood in my bathroom with one of those pregnancy tests you get from store, thinking "IT" can't be true. That day I went and got a test done at the Dr. thinking to my self, that thing is defective! So I take the test and tried to wait those two hours until I could call. I told my self 1) no yelling at the lady this time 2) If God has given me another chance to be a mother, "I can do this and I will be positive about this." I couldn't wait the whole two hours, Emma and I called 15 minutes prior to when I should have called and I gave her my control number and the J. Martinez (secret code here). I heard her say "Ma'am the test is positive." I said "okay thank you." I was so excited that I went to Mr. Smooth's work and told him. Yes, we both knew it was unexpected but we were ready for this challenge.
Later that day I came home and made a list at our "needs" for Baby Goose, I looked at bedding, redesigned my house in my head so that both babies could have their own rooms, and I even picked out a "double wide" stroller. I was ready to face this head on! I went to sleep thinking "we came to Italy a family of 2 and we are going to leave a family of 4."
The next morning I woke up to bleeding and cramping, I knew in the pit of my stomach that "this" was not good but I tried not to panic. I told Mr. Smooth that I was going to call and have the dr. call me. Instead they opted for me to come in. There we sat our whole family. . . Mr. Smooth, Me and Emma. Dr. M took some notes and said "at this point there is nothing that we can do, there is no point in doing an ultrasound as nothing would show up on it. What I can do is monitor your hormone levels to see if your body is keeping the baby or miscarrying it. At this point your body could easily reject it and there is nothing you can do, Miscarriages happen all the time and they are out of our control." I left there in tears knowing from what he was saying and what I was feeling that a miscarriage was inevitable. I took my test Thursday and I went in again today for my second test, my hormone levels will have doubled if my body isn't rejecting it.
As I spoke to the Dr. yesterday after explaining that I am still bleeding and still cramping horribly. If there was any hope to hang on to it's the fact of the color of the blood. I won't know until Tuesday for sure medically that my body has miscarried but my brain is telling me a truth. . . and my heart is holding on to the "hope." I laid in bed yesterday. . . partially sleeping and partially staring at the rain and I felt this deep sadness, similar to when I lost my Grandmother but this time it was "Baby Goose". Today, I sat at a Birthday party listening to a woman speak about how she was willing to send off her blood to find out the gender of her child so that she can hit the sales early. I wanted to tell her to be grateful for having that child to be expecting at least God is blessing you with this.
In moments like these where I am hurting or in pain or have lost in my eyes I can find it more logical and more fulfilling to believe in the REDSOX over God. Rain or shine, win or lose the Redsox will be there yeah a loss may hurt a little but you will survive. God on the other hand. . . (In moments like the one I am living in) I am willing to turn my back on him and ask him "why oh why" because the pain hits deeper and actually hurts my heart.
As I stand here tonight, I can't say that I always agree with God but I will pray hard and deep to find his meaning to this, I will pray for peace in my heart, I will pray for the hope that lingers in my heart tonight and I will pray that each woman knows what a blessing these children are that we are blessed to carry with us.
Until Tuesday I can still have hope.