The Dark Side of Mommyhood

I never thought I would see this day but there is a very dark side to Mommyhood and that is losing one of your own. I found out last week I still had a viable pregnancy but I was still spotting. Dr. M scheduled me for my 1st ultrasound appointment on Tuesday, October 13 at 9 a.m. since I was still spotting and cramping. During our ultrasound appointment we found out that the baby was not in the uterus meaning I had what Doctors call an Ectopic Pregnancy. Here is my story: My appointment was at 9 a.m. with Dr. M at the Woman’s Clinic. I sat there impatiently waiting to see if the hope that I had carried in my heart since I started bleeding 3 weeks ago on Sept. 31 was worth it. Only to find no bouncing baby on the screen. Dr. M started searching, looking for anything. By the silence in the room you could tell something was wrong as he was normally loud obnoxious guy. He eventually found a black spot on the screen but wasn’t sure what it was, He asked if I had previous cysts and I simply said no. After taking a plethora of ultrasound photos he explained to me that he felt that I had an ectopic pregnancy and to get dressed and go to his office so that we could discuss what would happen. There we were Jeremy, me and Emma sitting in his office listening to him explain that if these tests that he was going to run came back confirming what he thought, he will preform surgery that day to remove the baby as if it were to rupture I would die from bleeding to death and since I already had lost two liters of blood from delivering Emma. From there he walked with me over to lab to draw another hormone level test and then he walked me over to radiology, where I got a second ultrasound. By 10:30 a.m. I was sitting in the radiology ultrasound room with 3 doctors and a nurse watching my ultrasound as I held my Doctors hand as Jeremy was out taking care of Emma. At 11:30 a.m. he had all of the results back and Dr. M said I had a viable pregnancy he just didn’t know where. My hormone levels were up to 8000 when only a week ago they were at 300, the hormone levels confirmed enough for him to believe that I had an ectopic pregnancy.

As I sat there listening to him explain what they would try and do I could not help but cry. I couldn’t help but to think that if this baby had a chance I was willing to risk my life for theirs. After explaining the laparoscopy procedure he explained that the baby wouldn’t be viable and would only grow to a certain size and it would rupture, leaving no baby and no me and this was the best decision for me. He also explained that Dr. A would be assisting in the surgery which is the same guy who delivered Emma. Just hearing that put my heart at ease because he knew me and my case.

Moments after he explained everything he walked me up to surgery, he couldn’t even allow me to make calls down in the office. After we got up there I called my Mom and explained how I was going in to emergency surgery and that they were going to try and just remove the baby from my fallopian tube. After a brief conversation with her they took me down to lab again to run more blood work when I returned a nurse from the birthing side came over to speak to me about the loss of my child. I couldn’t exactly put in to words what I was going through or thinking but this lady knew and I felt very safe there with her. After the brief conversation they had me sign paper work and within moments I was in the gown waiting for the IV’s and “happy juice” to put me out. I spoke to Dr. M prior to going and then we were off to surgery.

The entire procedure took 2 hours and the fetus was big enough that they couldn’t only remove it, they ended up taking the whole tube also due to the size and location. After 3 hours in recovery I got up to use the restroom and realized I was laying in a pool of blood which was horrifying as it made what just happened even more of a mental reality. When I came out of the restroom there stood Dr. A and he said “you know you still have to come see me in 5 months” as if he knew I never wanted to return to any type of doctor ever. I gave him a hug and said thank you and that I am sorry that he wasn’t able to deliver this one.

The physical pain I know will pass but the emotional pain is what will be the tough part. Even though this pregnancy was unexpected I was ready to take it on and become a mother of two with a double wide stroller and two perfect to me kids. To wake up one morning pregnant and in hopes of positive to have emergency surgery within hours and be baby less in less than 9 hours is very hard boat to sit in.

pray that God knows what he’s doing in my life… I truly do because at this moment I can not understand or begin to feel what I am going through. I am thankful that Dr. M was able to make this decision for me as I have my own life to carry and to be a mother to Emma. I am also Thankful God put me in the hands of Dr. M and Dr. A. as they are truly my life savers. Here is to you Max, you will never be forgotten because you alone have taught me something even if I can’t see it right now. Enjoy heaven and one day we will meet again.