Deep in many thoughts at 2 a.m.
Where and the world have I been these last few days? No where to be found that's for sure unless anyone was looking in my queen sized bed. I seem to only want to come out for food and medication. Everything that seemed so big has quickly lost it's importance as I have been so completely sore and emotionally drained from this past week. Emotionally, I believe this is a process I have to go through and it's slow. I have lost before but never like this. Some moments I understand the reason for the surgery, other moments I feel as if I aborted my own child, or I feel like I couldn't perform and other moments I am so unbelievably angry at God. It's one thing to miscarry a baby (I am in no way dismissing this because I know this is still a hard road to walk) but at but at least this person didn't have to cut their own child out of their body or loose their own life or even loose a body part. That right there is what I struggle with, the loss and impact of having to do such a thing and feeling so unbelievably selfish. I have no clue or inkling on why God would walk me down this road.
If it's one thing I am. . . I am real and honest about my thoughts an emotions and even rather blunt in the same token. Some people probably think that my emotions and thoughts are out there but the ones who judge me are those who have never walked a second in my shoes, especially now in these moments. God knows where I am at and I don't think there has ever been a rule that you can't be mad at God as long as you work it out.
Slowly day by day, I feel my heart getting lighter but will my heart ever be the same? No, never and I don't think it was meant for me to be the same as before.
I am so very grateful for my husband who has been on permissive TDY since last Tuesday and who has even taken some leave to be home with me to help me with Emma and to be there for me as I work through this.
One thing I do is listen to music and since I have been going through these are the songs that I feel have been speaking to me right now:
- I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song) - Selah This song speaks to me on so many levels right now it's unbelievable, I just listening to it makes me think I am not the only one who has ever been here in this place
- How He loves - David Crowder Band
- While I'm Waiting - John Waller
- Hurricane - Jimmy Needham
- Tears Fall - BarlowGirl
- Never Let Go - David Crowder Band