Days in Thought

Tuesday was the first day we got to see Chaplin B since the Tuesday before we went in to emergency surgery. The most important thing I have learned from Chaplin B is learning how to be understanding not only of someone else but of my own self and feelings.

He asked us the questions that not most have like what we imagined our child to be like, what we had hope it would be, what was the name we had chosen. Not only I was in tears but my husband was ready to cry, I think charting in to those waters of what we thought and imagined was really hard for both of us. Because what we had thought it would be like isn't and we are left here to carry on. We had hoped in our hearts that the baby was a boy and we would name him Max or Maxamillion as Jeremy would like to say, and we had imagined how close our two would grow up together. Jeremy has a sister around my age so about a year and a half apart and they grew up close and both of us thought that Max and Emma would only be 10-11 months apart they would be extremely close. I had hoped he would at least come out with 1/2 the hair his sister did so he didn't look old man-ish. As Chaplin B said we had it all planned out in our minds after we saw those two lines and had the second conformation from the Dr. 

I spoke to Chaplin B about how I feel guilty for this as if there is something I could have done and how I don't understand why this is happening to me. I was positive about this and I was elated not scared like when we found out Emma was on her way. One thing he stated is that I know what it feels like to have someone die for the sake of my own life like Jesus did for us and that is a real eye opener. Some people have to go home to get great and Max had to go home to heaven in order to live his life.

I know for my self reality has really sank in here and no matter what I do I can not change it, I can only talk to God about it and write about it until my heart is at peace. I haven't actually spoken to God lately as I have been too angry and sad but I know he knows where I am at he's God. I just need to work this all out within my self and with God.

I read the other day as far when Angie first found out about Audrey she stated to the dr. "My God is no different than before I walked in this room." It took me a few days to truly understand what she was meant and it's true, God is no different than before I went through this it's all in how I view him and how is he changing Me to be stronger in my faith.