Where have I been? Blogging yes but on light topics or no topics at all. God has taken me on this journey these last 44 days, some days I felt like yelling and screaming at God, some days I just was "here", others I sat and wondered why. I haven't spoken to God since this has happened, I feel in my own way that was my way of turning my back towards him to say "you have hurt me yet again." It's easy for others to say "God does not put us through what we can not handle" and some days my self I have thought that but then lost faith in what he has done. I have read the word but no where in my heart did I feel the urge or desire to speak to God since the surgery all I could remember was coming out of surgery and asking my husband "where is Max?" Not entirely thinking about what just happening due to the happy juice I was under. Sunday night after attending the last day of our marriage retreat in Germany before I went to sleep I asked God if there is anything you can do to me show me a sign that you are there because even in these most joyest moments I still feel this pain, please tell Max hi and that his Mommy loves and misses him.
Monday we went on a tour to a castle and prior to going to the castle we went to the purest church in Germany and there at this moment I felt his presence as I carried my camera I walked up to the front and there I felt a relief as I stared at Priest who spoke nothing but German. I felt as if he knew my pain. As we left I went and collected 4 candles for person in our family. . . even for Max as he will always be in my heart but never on earth. As I left I felt a relief of some sorts and as I was shooting photos I wanted to capture the sun and the clouds as it was a BEAUTIFUL day. I took a couple quick shots but as I was walking down the road leading up the church I noticed that the photos just would not come out right.
Light in the Darkness is what I kept getting after repeatedly trying to get it right even with the "auto" feature. This will be my light in the darkest time of my life. Never in my life would I have ever thought God would take my child away from me let alone in this manner of losing my own body part. As I came home today and I opened up my dresser drawer and saw the pregnancy test in which lays there from Max. I never took a home pregnancy with Emma so this one lays special to my heart and for now it will stay in the drawer and I will continue to light my candle every night for the one I lost as a tribute to Max. As God continues to work in my heart.