Grief at 2 Months

I have spent a lot of the last two months trying to figure this out, I am no sure if I will EVER have an answer. The light and joy I have carried has been some what dimmed by this event in my life. Days have gotten easier to cope with and my mind doesn't seem to drift to that area as much as it used to but as the days go by I can recount how far along I would be and how long it has been since the surgery, just as I do for Emma's age.

I never thought going in for the first ultrasound would be as painful as that one was, I never imagined having to not only lose my soon to be child and body part in one day, and I never knew about this side of pregnancy. I knew about miscarriages but never ectopic pregnancy.

I remember the weeks leading up to that day where I had started to re-arrange the house, shop for goodies and double wide strollers. I remember when I first met Dr. M thinking . . . he's definitely not like Dr. A but I now realize he served his purpose in my life, I remember going in for my first ultrasound and seeing an empty uterus and by the silence you could feel something wrong, I remember walking the in the hall with tears not knowing what would happen or where we would go from here, I remember them sending Nurse L to come speak to me about the loss of my child (not then knowing how this would effect me), I remember waking up and asking where Max was, and I remember prior to leaving Dr. A (who delivered Emma) coming to see me.

Since the surgery I have done quite a bit of research for my own knowledge and for my peace of knowing what truly happened to me and my baby. I know now that one and fifty pregnancies end in this manor and for me it wasn't caused by some "problem" other than bad luck. I have had to settle on a peace of knowing this was to impact my life and God wouldn't put me through anything I could not handle.

Speaking the great man G-O-D, I have found my self relying more on God today than I have in the last 4 years. I won't say that I know all the verses, read the bible completely, or attend church every sunday but once I worked passed my anger towards him I was able to rely on him.

Just like any other important day like birthdays, anniversaries, and monumental days I will remember October 13th, 2009 as the Tuesday that I started out pregnant and ended the day not pregnant. That day was my first ultrasound for my 2nd baby that ended in emergency surgery where my baby max and my fallopian tube had to be removed. That Tuesday forever changed my life just as this pregnancy did, I had no scared feelings and I felt on top of the world.

Here's to you Max.
You will always be in my heart.
You have forever changed my soul.