Trying

I have REALLY been trying to stay busy these last few months between volunteering, the holidays, design work, and taking care of Emma I still haven't been able to escape these wandering thoughts. Thankfully, I have been able to surround my self with great people and God continues to bring more into my life but in moments like these when it's 6:30 a.m. (cet) an I wake up and my mind is going.

For the past two weeks this has been happening I am partially thinking it's because Mother Nature. Since my surgery my mother nature has been horrid and even the week after it has still been horrid. Last month my lovely mother nature sent me to the Italian hospital after keeling over in the grocery store parking lot so this month my goal was not to go even if they had gotten that bad. I was able to schedule an appointment with my friendly OBGYN Dr. A, him and I have been on monthly phone calls since the birth of Emma. Between having to have cultures taken of my insides to losing Max to dealing with the after affects.

So there I walked past Dr. M's office that is now vacant and then I sat in the same room that I sat in when we found out we didn't have a Max. It's like my mind went in to rewind mode, every moment, every gesture, every word replayed in my mind from October 13, 2009 as I sat there waiting for another ultrasound to see what was up. Thankfully prior to bursting out in tears Dr. A and nurse knocked and brought me back to reality. The nurse had no clue as to my prior history so she tried to make lame jokes which helped ease the anxiety but left Dr. A and I awkwardly smiling. As I sat there looking at the screen of the now aftermath of my ectopic pregnancy I couldn't help but to think how much I wanted this baby that I never met face to face but here I am dealing with this instead of being 19 weeks pregnant and being close to finding out the gender.

Sadly to say as I walk these days I see that Gods plan or plans have played out and I am starting to accept it. I can't explain how many different things that truly have me thinking that this was his plan and the people that were there were there for a reason.

As my estimated due date of June 4th, 2009 approaches I can't help but wonder how that day will be and where I am going to be at emotionally.

Jusika Martinez

Tucson, Arizona, USA