Coping: 6 Months, 10.13.09

Phew, I never ever thought from day one I would have made it to the six month mark after we lost Max. I have spent hours, days and months looking for THE answer, none found to date. My Mom says "there is a gift in everything, you just have to find it." Well, I haven't not yet and I am not sure if I will any time in the near future.

Looking back at that day is a very somber moment for me, never did I think I would be that girl that would be here but I am.

Six months ago at 0930 in the morning I went to see Dr. Jonathan Mayer. This was the third time seeing him (Once in the BX [I thought he was loud and obnoxious since he was talking to his children so loud], once the day I started to spot [I nearly killed over knowing it was "him"], and on October 13, 2009.). At 0940 we were there in the ultrasound room waiting, I carried HIGH hope that it was just first trimester spotting. As we sat there and looked at the ultrasound there was nothing absolutely nothing in on the screen. At that moment my body and mind split by that I mean like I could only go through the motions of that there were tears but not sobs or emotion to those tears. I can not explain how inevitably scared I was at that moment and I could only process it with out emotion at that time. He searched and searched and partially muttered that "maybe it's too early to see anything." Then he said "What side are you cramping on?" as he sat there doing the ultrasound, I said "left." He then followed with "I found something but I am not sure if its a cyst or the baby up here on the left." After he started taking a plethora of sonograms. Then he asked us to get dressed and go to his office. There he sat explaining with the calmest sounding voice that had a strike of urgency. All I heard was "Ectopic, Baby in wrong place, My job is to keep you here for Emma, there is no choice." Then I started to bargain with him as far as "if" it can be saved etc. There he took me to labs and as the lady took me back she knew something was wrong she then said "my aunt says: This too shall pass." I thought to my self "if you only knew." There we went to radiology, as my husband went to call his Shirt to tell him what was happening a man sat next to me as I sat there waiting with Emma. "Is there something wrong with her?" a simple answer of "no, it's me. They think the baby I am carrying is in the wrong place and they think that they are going to have to go in and remove it" all came out of my mouth no emotion just words. He sat looking at me and wished me luck, seriously I don't blame him he wanted to ask a simple question and bit off WAY more than that. Then they called me back, only me Jeremy couldn't go nor could Emma. So there I sat with 3 Dr. and a nurse plus Dr. Mayer. they found the same spot and didn't say anything, I at that point asked to hold someone's hand I didn't care who and there Dr. Mayer was for me. There we went and waited, the hurry up and wait game.

After an hour of waiting we went in and there we went into the 2nd chapter of that day. What he thought was true and off to surgery we were. No choice, he has since told me he knew not to give me a choice because he knew I wouldn't come back and it would rupture. . . and I would die. In a gown and off to surgery quicker than I have ever experienced. Thankfully Dr. Allen was assisting in the surgery and I felt more comfortable since he knew what it was like after giving birth to Emma and experiencing a blood hemorrhage. Waking up I don't remember much but going to stand up and freaking out and shouting in fear "I am bleeding" the nurse then assured me it was okay. In my mind that was the first sign of no baby no more baby. There me and the nurse sat in the bathroom her asking if I was dizzy after she helped me clean up. When I came out and there stood Dr. Allen I could only mutter "sorry you couldn't deliver this one buddy." he then followed up by saying "you know you need to come see me in 5 months." He knew it would take everything to get me back in that clinic. From there they wheeled me out and off to life I had prior to entering those electronic doors.

After words meaning the next day I found out that I not only lost the baby that day but my tube I didn't know what that really meant, it took some time. Time immediately following was mayhem in my head not really understanding, not really wanting to understand and dealing with girl drama is what I remember most from those following weeks. When you loose a child no matter how far along the baby was it throws you off in to left field and I can say that now six months later I am just now finding my way on this beaten path that I am on. I don't believe in God but I don't shun him either, he's in a misc red file that one day I just might open up again or I might not. All I know is I am trying to uncomplicated my life, my ideas and feelings about this and bringing God in to this makes it ever more so complicated.

I miss my child that I never met him face to face. I met his spirit and he was in my womb, and within those weeks we knew we formed that bond that starts in the womb. Just as I told his sister to roll over so I could wash her butt in the womb, I told him.

Someone said to me once to expect the unexpected during the coping process. What people have said here and there have been the hardest thing to over come as you never expect what comes out of peoples mouths in the time of grief. 

Here is what I wish would someone would have told me about after the fact and statements. 

1. Expect people to say stupid things. “Don’t worry, you’re young, you’ll, have more children”
“I’m sorry for your loss.” If there is a “loss”? This makes you wonder where is found? If they can find my child I would give them $500. bucks if not more!

2. Expect to break down in tears when you least expect it, I break down in the least expected places. Toilet at the BX has been the weirdest place to date.

3. Expect to feel weak, strong, suicidal, angry, happy, glad, sad, guilty, alone, or puzzled, like you don’t belong.

4. Expect all your friends to run away. They’re frightened, too. And they just don’t know how to handle your grief. Seeing you dealing with the death of your child is just too close for comfort because one day it could be them.

5. Expect all your friends to come back. Give them time. The real ones do. (I have yet to see this but thanks to their stupidity I have found great friends.

6. Expect to wish you were dead, it's almost like survivors guilt. . . why not me?

7. Expect to blame yourself.

8. Expect to ask yourself questions that have no answers. What if? Why me?

9. Expect to make plans to run away.

10. Expect to wish for a giant eraser to erase away all the pain.

11. Expect the pain to never end. It won’t. But in time you will learn how to manage it.

12. Expect to smile when you feel like crying.

13. Expect to eat too much, since surgery and this happening me and the kit kat bar are BFFs.

14. Expect no one to understand. Though they say, “I understand.” They can’t. They don’t. They never will.

15. Expect to never forget.

Here is to you Baby Boy! I miss you and love you!