Trying to Shake this Feeling.

Lately I have been pretty okay with the loss of the baby, I say that because I am no longer constantly thinking about the baby or how far along I would be or anything like that. Mainly because I have been too exhausted. Between work, softball, Emma and cleaning my home my plate is pretty darn full! Yes it pops in my head some days when I glance at my pregnant boss or any pregnant woman on base (which is quite a bit!) but it quickly fades.

One of the main thing that draws me back to thinking about the baby we lost is this horrid cramping I get prior to my cycle, it's to the point of killing over. It has been caused by my ovary has attaching to my uterus through scar tissue. We have tried Naproxin and a Birth Control it has not helped at all so yesterday almost 7 months post surgery we went back in to discuss our options. One was surgery, which I am highly and I mean highly against because I can not bare to go back in to the ultrasound room or specific places in the Med Group's building, I can't imagine laying there in a bed waiting for surgery to fix a complication because of the first surgery. Two was to try a shot like Depo or an IUD that completely stops my cycle so that my body could get a bit more time to heal and get used to things in the new location. I have been on depo before and I had one shot and it screwed my cycle up for almost 4 years after so I wasn't quite ready for that, even though I 95% sure that I don't want anymore kids I don't want to go through that again. I will be straight, I am afraid of the IUD. Mainly because of the chance of another ectopic since I have had one I am at risk for another and personally I would like to keep my other tube. . . just my feelings lol. Third option was to try another birth control pill and Naproin and for the moment that is the one I selected. I couldn't make such a serious decision within a few quick minutes because some of those choices could change my life for a good 3-4 years.

So there we were my husband and I sitting there in the office of Dr. A. He was the one who did Emma's birth and all my post surgery items, he also assisted in the surgery but Dr. M was the one who found the baby and completed the surgery. Since Dr. M was under investigation due to a horrible situation my file was upstairs in command for investigation as my surgery was 2 days prior to the loss of his patient after giving birth. There we were sitting there and Dr. A pulls out my file and the photos of the baby, the photos of the ectopic and the ultrasound photos mainly to show how there was no scaring tissue prior but I hadn't ever gotten to see the Dr.'s file as it was in the commands office. Apparently it was finally released and there they were. If anything hit me like a semi truck it was that, my eyes started to quickly swell and my cheeks were quickly covered in tears upon seeing those photos. Dr. Allen didn't know that I hadn't seen these photos and quickly put them away after he saw my face then he asked me what was wrong, I had to simply state that I couldn't ever be at peace with this and seeing these photos were hard for me because it was so concrete.

Since yesterday I have had this eerie feeling it's one that I have carried in my heart since the moment Dr. M told me what was going to happen, I had even stated what causes this eerie feeling to Dr. M that day and he quickly corrected me but even when those who know what position I was in correct me it still repeats in my head, that I murdered my own child for my own sake to live. I know the facts which were the baby and I would have died any day if it ruptured because my blood count was so low that I wouldn't make it to a hospital, which I live 5 minutes away from.

I realize I experienced this nearly 7 months ago but man something like this shakes you to the core, alters your faith, and is so hard to grasp what the hell happened. I know I will never be okay with what has happened I just really hope that this eerie feeling I have and tend to get here in there finally goes away for good because this situation has truly broke my heart and I can't live with this guilt of being a murder even if that's what I am in some people's eyes, I had no choice the choice was made for me that day and I am beyond grateful to be here to see my daughter grow up.