I can not begin to explain how quickly the last 9 months have flown by, I seriously can not believe it. In about an hour and a half here in Italy it will be June 4th, 2010 the estimated day of birth for our second child. If you would have asked me this time last year what would I be doing I definitely would not have said this and surly would not have even been thinking about a 2nd child.
If there is anything I have learned in this is that I am not in control...not at all...zip...zero...finindo. Some days, like today I would honestly like to be a two year old and throw a tantrum. Kicking, screaming, the whole 9 yards on the floor but at the age of 25 I doubt that is acceptable by any means. The J man and I have talked about what it would be like if we were welcoming in our second child in to the world this week and the only thing we could say is that "it would be rough!" Two kids within a year...yeah no bueno. I feel 100% guilty for saying that because it's somewhat a relief we aren't at this time but if that was the life I was to live I would have lived it and I surly would have not lost the baby the way I did. I have also learned life can be gone within moments. For three weeks we went expecting a child meaning buying things, talking to the baby, washing it's "butt" especially since we were getting the doubling of hormone levels and the reassurance from Dr. Mayer. Within 5 minutes in to the ultrasound the existence of life began to be taken away and within 4 hours my life changed completely by not only "removing" the baby but by removing my fallopian tube.
Some days I wonder if the grief of losing a child will be taken away completely like maybe a magic eraser but it never truly will. It does get easier but honestly it's one of those things that shape your life and who you are and what you want in life. This past week I have worked, doing what I love and I have been able to spend 3 out of 4 days on a dirt field playing ball, it's what I used to to get away from what was in my head and this is where I chose to spend this week. (Did I mention I stuck out the Vice Wing Commander? yeah I did and I rock!) As for tomorrow, well I am taking a day off to be with my family...we will have a group dinner out on the economy with some of our friends and call it good.
If your wondering how you can contribute to the remembrance of Max since you aren't here to dine with us, burn a candle at 7 p.m. local time and let it burn. I choose this form because every night since the loss of Max a candle has been burned (Harvest scent by Yankee Candle).