Phew.let.me.tell.you. my journey with God stopped October 13, 2009 and let.me.tell.you I have not spoken once to him...because of this fit of anger of the loss of my child. I will be the first to tell you I have yelled.screamed.cried.almost swore at him for this situation.
So I started to write this blog post a few days ago but stopped as I was at a loss of words and not until tonight could I put it in to words...as I read Restored's blog post on Holding on and Letting go. I have heard too many times to "give it to God." It meaning hurts, sorrows, fears etc. Let me tell you I have really wanted to smack those people; not literally but figuratively. Like...Really? Have you walked in my MK Shoes or flip flops today? Because if so you would see the struggle with this...a kind and oh so loving God is putting me through this, not the devil. Yes, yes I have heard that he does his greatest work in peoples times of hurt and pain but really...can I get a break buddy? I had nearly lost my life 3 months before giving birth to my daughter due to a blood hemorrhage and your trying to make me choose here...baby...no baby...removal of tube...possibly no removal tube...my life...no life...no baby? I wasn't given a chance for him to do his miracle work, I was told what was going to be done and not allowed to leave. See, this is where it gets shall I say hairy. It's not like I asked for this, it's not like I would ever want to "spontaneously abort" my child for my own life so I could be here for my other child, it's not like they woke me up during surgery and asked if they could take my tube...see all this just because of his doing...or wait was it my doing...no...I remember...nothing in my tube was wrong...nothing with the baby was wrong or defective...so back to this block called number 1...IT was HIS doing...so what's the plan here, throw my life in a blender and hit frappe? Because honestly it feels that way.
How are to let go and let him do his work when this happened to me because of his doing...? Obviously he's got the wheels spinning here...but can we put it in to sport mode and find out why? It's easy to post here about this topic it's just a few minutes and everything in my head is spit out with out a shed of a tear...if I were to speak on this topic you might as well hold stock in Kleenex because the river would over flow. Words and nasty comments don't matter because no one has walked in my shoes...no one...so they can eat dog poop...because this file.topic.circumstance is MINE and mine to work through...this isn't an "oh I didn't get the BCBG Dress or earrings I wanted" this is a topic that forever changes you.
Speaking of topics that forever change you...have you noticed that when you experience these type of things your wardrobe changes? It's almost like those old clothes don't fit who you are anymore. I have noticed in the 2 other life changing moments my style has drastically changed and when even looking back at those old clothes I think to my self...that's not who I am anymore.