August 16, 2010: Dear Max

Dear Max,
A few months ago I realized I have written about you, I have thought about you and somewhat spoke about you but not once have I had a conversation or even written to you since this has happened. Like I said it's been a few months since I realized this but I couldn't muster up the words or thoughts with out a tear forming. As you know this hasn't worked out the way a pregnancy should work out at least in my mind, as you know I have been quite angry about that. I had planned on having a conversation that went more like "Hello, and welcome to this world sweet pea" just like I said to your sister but now I feel like I can talk to you like you know life or something not like I need to be telling you to roll over to wash your butt like I was. You know what's up you have walked this with me. 

Since this happened I have often wondered if heaven even existed and if I would be able to enter after this because of the choice I made. But today I got a conformation that not only did heaven exist but surly that God would understand and he knows what path I am walking. While on the phone with my friend about the loss of Grandfather she told me this story about how her Grandfather passed at 10:03 and at 10:05 the bells at a closed catholic church started to ring by her mothers home (a state away from where he passed) and at 10:30 her mom got a conformation phone call that he passed at 10:03 last night.

I think some times in life God has a way of telling us what's about to happen or what has happened but if your not willing to realize the signs you will miss putting your blinker in life on so you can make the detour of a life lesson. When my Grandmother died I had this urging feeling to call and check up on her 5 minutes before she passed and within 5 minutes of getting off the phone I got a phone call to notify me of her passing. With you, the ground work was been paved before I even knew it. My mother had given me a pendant about 1 month prior to your sister being born. The pendant had a boy on the resting upon the moon, My mom didn't know why but something urged her to buy it and give it to me. When she gave it to me I thought it was creepy as I didn't even give birth to your sister yet so I put it on my entertainment center and just left it there. The night before we went to see you on the screen (after 3 weeks of dealing with hormone tests) I finally broke down and told my mom what was going on as far as being pregnant but quickly followed it with "Something's wrong," she knew about you because she had a "feeling" but she didn't know the complications we were about to embark upon.  I told her about the cramping in only my left side and then and there she spit out "Jusika, google tubal pregnancy." As you know, surly ignored her suggestion because I was damned to have something go bad like that. So I went in to that appointment and was completely blindsided because I didn't want to look at the directions that were being given to me. All of the signs where there I just didn't get it couldn't fit the pieces of the puzzle together quick enough.

I often wonder why this way and I wonder what the hell did I do? But I honestly think it's more of "What didn't I do or wouldn't do." Since the time of losing you someone who's not been the nicest person to me (during the time I was losing you) lost her child or children (I don't remember) through an ectopic. She had originally posted about it in a blog and I reached out and tell her to have them check for an ectopic. Even after all that had gone down I was willing to be there for this person who hadn't been there for me. After I found out she was able to get the shot I was partially glad because I wouldn't want someone to live the surgery and post surgery I did but some days I wondered why she was offered the easier route than me especially when she was the way she was during the loss of you. I really had to step back and realize that this was about my lesson in life not hers...if she learns from this life experience that's on her not me. I have truly learned how to be humble to someone in need even when they have royally screwed you over and slandered you. I realized that in those times in life you need someone to talk or listen to you not to slander you, judge you, screw you over or even tell you what bible is right or wrong and no matter what someone else said or did to me I was going to turn the other cheek and show them different because life is far to short and can be taken at any moment.

Just as your sister has taught me how to deal with a diva baby, you Max have taught me so much in  life and I am so truly thankful for this experience. I miss you every day and that will never change. I am slowly realizing you are truly in better hands than I could have offered you at that time or even now because you are in Gods hands in heaven hanging out with the greatest of the greats and of course Great Grandma. The only advise I can offer you is be sure though not to drink too much black coffee or table spoons of pure sugar!

I love you Max & will see you one day!
-Mommy