Peace but Struggle

I will admit I have this leery feeling these days because this time last year pregnant with Max. It's truly a leery feeling I have because the whole "If I would have known" or "my life would be" thinking, I can say I definitely would have warned my self. I could have died...it was that close to rupturing. That being by size and location of my child, another day was not guaranteed. The weirdest thing is that every night during those weeks after finding out I was expecting I was cramping in that spot, not knowing not even one inkling. The Dr. that day made it clear his job was to keep me here for Emma as then she was only 3 months old but me being that "HeroOrZero" type person, I can be I wanted to save my child. I could possibly be that it's that mother thing, idk. I won't forget the urgency in his voice and the conviction in what he was saying..."death is for sure for both of us, Mother and Child if I walked out" that is why he didn't let me walk out no option and no fighting or arguing with him.

So here I am post all this and I can't really mention my child with out getting a little teary-eyed but that is to be expected it was a traumatic experience. I have kept in contact with the nurse I mentioned in my blog following the surgery as I have tried to keep in contact with all nurses during my labor and delivery. We had a rapore prior from one of L&D visits as she needed to check Emma as they thought my water broke at 32 weeks. Anyway, post losing a child she has talked to me about focusing on Emma...which some days following the surgery was very hard as I had my own I needed to contend with. But as I walked this path I learned what she meant and every day I look at my Emma-Bemma and realize what a miracle she truly is.

Ms. Emma is standing at a whopping 22lbs with 10 teeth including molars. Crazy isn't it? She's been walking since 11 months but now she's almost up to running it's totally cute.  She just started wearing 12 month clothing at 13 months and has cheeks for days. I am truly grateful every day for her because if it weren't for her I might not have experienced any motherhood.

Like this posts title peace in the fact my life is great, I am healthy alive, I have a wonderful daughter and a man to possibly die for but yet a small struggle as approach the year anniversary of  the loss of my 2nd. Which is to be expected but I thought being the tough person & strong willed person that I am that I might be able to not to shed a tear but that's totally not happening and I will continue to light my candle every night.