Feelings

The 1 year anniversary of my surgery is coming up, I was actually scheduled for a woman check on Oct. 13 but I had to reschedule, I do not want anywhere near that place on 10.13. I went in the other day for the check since they had an opening and I stood in the hall while listening to one conversation where the nurse was congratulating the woman on her pregnancy as she was 12 weeks along. I had to purposely change the topic in my mind as I couldn't do listen without a tear being shed. This pregnancy has definitely left a bad taste in my mouth to the point of being angry and never wanting another kiddo. So, in order to change my thought I scooted forward to Dr. A's office where I heard his nurse talk about a woman who had started to spot and he was discussing what to do, I think it was really meant for me to face the fact of the loss because every where I turned it was there by the room they scheduled me in to the conversations that were going on. I asked for a specific room in order to avoid those feelings but as I sat there in Dr. A's office Dr. M's name came up as he was scrolling through medications prescribed. It's tough, real tough the toughest decision I think that was made foe me. The reminiscence of this loss is everywhere these days, I was telling my co-worker during these weeks last year I was pregnant and my life would be 180 degrees different if it carried through but I am here dealing with the loss.

A few days after my surgery a life was lost after a birth under the same Dr. who did my surgery. So, I never got to see my Dr. medically again. Thankfully I was able to see him prior to PCSing but never again medically which has left closing with him quite difficult. Thankfully, during this time I have been able to keep contact with the husband of the mother who died and we have been able to share our walk in grief that we have dealt. It has been a great source of information and perspective I have been really grateful for that. Which brings on a whole different side to the loss of my child. I can not count the times I have heard the slander & the false information that these woman have heard about what happened the night the lady past but man do I get so angry people don't know this Dr..I did and I know what he would have done to save someone's life from my experience with him that's "his job" as he explained but sadly it was a reminder that God is in complete control.