10.13.10

"Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid."
Who would have imagined that 365 days later I would be saying good bye to another child. As I walked in for my 10 a.m. show time I only thought...how in the world am I here again? I was just here 365 days ago and I just got the green light last week! The green light means go not, yield or proceed with caution. All I thought we had to do was make sure is the baby was in the right spot, not anything else...my heart was high in hopes because we were expecting! Who would have knew that just a day short of our 2nd ultrasound I would be going in for bleeding, I thought to my self "This can't be happening!" As we sat there in the ultrasound room with Col. Robinson I knew that this Tuesday wasn't a good Tuesday especially when she went to get "back up". The back up ended up being Dr. M's replacement Dr. B. As she looked and explained how the baby hadn't grown since the last ultrasound Dr. A took last week and how she saw a lot of "debris" in the uterus that had grown since last week the infamous words "Get dressed and come to my office" came out of her mouth. Her office being the same room I sat last year listening to another Dr. saying this pregnancy will not work out just as she was saying to me. No matter how much you change the decor the structure is still the same and no matter how you put it the out come is the same, no baby. There we sat and talked and there she sent us on the same path as last year, labs then radiology then back to her office. After those two places we sat in that same office this time to only be scheduled for a D&C. First, it was Friday then while I was calling my Mom she called Dr. A. and he immediately volunteered to be there 10 minutes as this his day off. He wanted to walk us through this since he knew about last year and how sensitive this was for me. There we sat and talked with Dr. A as he walked us through what would happen and we listened to him explain how he wanted to do this tomorrow, 10.13.10 as the longer I go the more prone to infection I would be. So there we sat with him doing surgery paperwork for the next morning. What started out as a 11 a.m. appointment ended at 5 p.m. after two ultrasounds and hormone testing. 

The next day, I showed up at 10 a.m. with an 11 a.m. surgery the nurse lead me to the same bed and they asked the same questions and after a few hours of waiting the same nurses wheeled me off at just about the same time as last. How eerie is it to have someone say "You, were the ectopic... I remember because of the urgency and because of how rare yet easy it was" How do you digest all of that? Not easily and up until they wheeled me off I was still asking if this what was really going on and if this was the right thing. I will say that this time I felt more of a peace considering what was happening. Maybe it's because of the lack of real urgency as last years or maybe it's because I knew my child was not growing and this would never be at least for now or maybe it's because this road is a too familiar road or maybe it's because every player was almost the exact same and after some delay we wheeled off at just about the same time as last year.

The night I was told there is no "viable" pregnancy I was not able to sleep at all, I mean who could? I laid in bed just thinking and wondering why? After a while once everyone was a sleep I ended up going to my friend Nancy's & Bruno's. I needed a place to go without judgment and that is exactly what I got. Since we have met her and her husband they have been great friends us. As I sat there she told me about here sister who went through some miscarriages but had faith that one day the guy above would bless them with their fourth child because her holy father told her so in a dream. That in it self gave me a huge peace because recently I have had similar dreams. So, even though I don't understand why God is putting me through this I have faith that one day I will have another child here on earth until then I will not give up. 

Here's to both of my babies up in heaven, Good night and God Blessed you both enough to be in his presence. Mommy Loves you.