Ethan: 2 Months

Today marks the 2 month anniversary of the loss of our 3rd child who we have named Ethan. In the last 2 months we have had much discussion over naming this child but realized each soul & baby can not remain nameless. We both also realized if we do have another child it will not hold the same names that we have decided on for Max and Ethan. With all of my pregnancies we have only had 1 name picked out, Emma was definitely Emma since we didn't have another name if she were to have come out a he... he would have been nameless for a few days. Anyway, this path has been very different but yet similar. I have walked through all the emotions of grief but this time it has been 100% more peaceful. Mainly because I know my child died, he did not have a heart beat and was not growing. It is so vastly different to hear than you had perfectly healthy baby but just in the wrong spot. I have spent the last 7 weeks sorting all of this out with someone twice a week because as it really was a hot mess with twilight zone feeling to it. Really, who looses their third pregnancy on the same day & time with the same Doctors and 95% of the same nurses as your second pregnancy? Well, in this case this answer would be ME and I was very much heart-broken. After a tragic loss like Max I assumed and expected that the pregnancy would work out and if it's anything that I have learned is that pregnancies are never ever ever guaranteed even if you're in your last trimester.

In the mist of searching someone who's had something similar to me happen and would not judge me I found a place called Faces Of Loss. Which is online and a place where you can connect and read about people who have had a loss or multiple losses ranging from ectopic pregnancies, miscarriage and stillbirth. It has help put things in perspective and it has helped me to know I am not the only one this has happened to granted I might be the only one here in Italy at this moment but I guarantee you I am not the only one in this world who's been here.

In the mist of all this there has been some crazy drama but I have let it fall to the waste side because my plate was/is full. I know where I am at physically and emotionally and I know how I am dealing with things, no one else does and I don't need anyone else judgment during this process. I have realized that there will always be some people out there creating this added drama during some of the hardest times people can go through and  I really hope that people who do this will realize that this "real life" tragedy where drama is not needed, life is hard enough after losing a child there is no room for the extra hardship. Healing and support is what is needed and in some cases the healing process can take some time depending on how this person handles tragedy.

Here is to you Big E you have taught me even more in life than I ever expected to know. Thank you for this tragedy it has been a true blessing in disguise. Enjoy Heaven with your brother, God, and family above.

Jusika Martinez

Tucson, Arizona, USA