You, Me and Headphones
Here I sit it's about 11 p.m. at night it's one of those nights, those meaning that I am questioning everything...well not everything but possibly 75% of life. A few weeks ago I was at lunch [Soup & Salad buffet] and I got the nastiest look from another patron there, she was in her mid 30s-40s, I have never had a conversation with her but I knew she knew about me and the losses because of who she hung with and because of the look she gave me. The look is one you give someone when your disgusted with them, it's as if she was saying "You shouldn't be pregnant again...didn't you just lose a child? and didn't you already lose a child a year before that?" without even saying a word...which really a word wasn't needed because her face said it all. I thought to my self "screw you lady" but really it bugged me for a few reasons. One is because I know she wouldn't have a clue who I was if it weren't for a few specific people and two is because some days I really feel the judgement of not only having another child but of losing two children. I mean really people, do you think I plan this? I have no control over any of this and if I did> it would not have happened. I mean really the loss of a pregnancy is one of the hardest roads to walk and it's quite often very lonely and being so far away from home makes it even lonely'r.
I remember walking October 2009 - July 2009 [I give these specific dates because it really took me until after Max's estimated due date to really let go of Max] it was hard, very hard and often times I found myself hiding within the work. I mean really that's who I was before I started having kids [a workaholic],it's who I knew myself to be and one thing I knew was that I was not good at having children. Then [on October 13, 2010] I was faced with the same outcome no full term child. If it was one thing this incident validated was that I really stink at creating and birthing children. I can say the one thing I did not do and that was run to work, I knew I needed to deal emotionally a bit before returning because this wasn't a "suck it up and keep going because there is a radio show that needs to get done in the morning" type moment...I didn't just scrape my knee...I lost my baby.my dream.my hope.my heart. I mean really I had those few days where I couldn't grasp what or why but I realized pretty quickly this time around that really God had his own plan and yet again he made a decision for me and I believe that both of my children lived the life and served the purpose they were meant to.
I can't say that the timing of Bean was the greatest but it wasn't my timing or by any plan of mine. But I am very grateful that I was in an emotional state of peace/acceptance 8 weeks after the loss of Ethan because it took me 10 months to get to where there with the loss of Max.
Are there moments where I am semi-hot mess and despise of people with lack of true understanding, well yes. I don't think grief ever goes away with the loss of a pregnancy/child because no matter how you shake it you had a dream and plan for your child before even pottying on that stick because you knew. There will never be a holiday season that passes that I won't think about my two, I also know for a fact there will never an October 13 that will pass without a memory to serve and I know as a Mom I will never be the same. I also know that if Bean wasn't sprung upon me unexpectedly I would have never consciously tried to conceive again. Which you all know after an ectopic you basically have to "plan" your children to avoid it having an ectopic again.
So yeah...really if you all want to, judge me...all you want...go a head..I know where I am at and I know who I am...and I will never seek an approval from any of you because you have never walked in my exact shoes.