I guess it's something like buyers remorse?

I have found pregnancy for me is an emotional process like my body & mind is preparing me in a way for my new child and lately my mind has really been wondering. I will be honest, I sometimes struggle with how to "properly" remember my two pregnancies that have not been fully completed. I know some people say suck it up or it's no bigs just move on but for me those pregnancies, held a hope, dream, and a forethought of a new life. As you can probably tell I am pro-life...from day one (to me) that fetus/pregnancy/child (whatever you wish to call it) has a soul and a purpose. I have found that sadly that the life can be very short but the purpose and impact that pregnancy has on you can last forever. Obviously, when I go to the Dr. they ask how many pregnancies and how many live births so it often leaves me wondering this "how do I sort this..." I know most women don't compartimilize things, but this is how I was raised to deal with things, but it obviously is not working in this department, because there is not 1 single box this fits in. What really brought me to this realizing this is when I recently had a Tech ask me "How many babies?" I simply replied (thinking this would be an easy answer) "1". Thinking to myself "Ah, finally reprieve from the "dreaded" medical question." Which was followed by "No, honey, how, I mean, how many pregnancies." (as he knew due to reading my medical file that there were more than just 1) AHHH! Granted, I did feel it was very sweet for the Tech to automatically consider my previous losses as babies, but I was still hit with that dreaded question. So how do I put this without feeling ashamed or guilty? The one of the hardest things about pregnancy loss is that there is no real burial that gives you that real last good-bye, no headstone to visit, absolutely nothing is left. It's a procedure you have to endure without any reminisce other than your thoughts and your dream of your plan for your child. Which leaves me with "Do I really know how to put this? Is there really a proper place to put this? Is there really a strict box I want to put it in?" The answer to all of those questions is no. I have come to a conclusion that what works for me might not work for others, but for myself, I feel the need to confirm each of my children, born or unborn. Granted, I am not going to go shout it to the world, but I will choose to share it with people when the time is right. I have sadly realized that you cannot always trust people and sadly a woman's sorrows can be used at great gossip tidbit for some. I can say flat-out (listen up blog stalkers) that it's really not the best thing to do or say anything rumor-esk about a woman who has just lost a child, no matter if it's related or not... And no, it's not appropriate to spread or say that something must be wrong with her for losing multiple children, sometimes it's all in the cards she is dealt.

My children were mine and I have carried each of them until their life was ready to take flight. Even if their purpose was to die, we shared the time we were allowed and given by God together, Mother & Child. Pregnancy loss is really nothing like buyers remorse, it's like lack of control remorse that a Mother will carry in the life to follow. As a mother we think we can fix all for our children's problems, but in pregnancy loss you have no control and cannot fix things for our child, even as their Mother.

Jusika Martinez

Tucson, Arizona, USA