The Black Elephant

Today I picked up Ellie's car seat from the post office. I ordered it on a whim really...I thought that I could handle it until it arrived. I knew it would be the only package we got when it arrived since I haven't bought anything nor was I expecting anything. So, when we got that package slip I knew what it was but I didn't realize how bittersweet this would be for me. With the last two pregnancies the stuff that came went straight to the basement, not even looking or wanting to realize what the items were was my goal. I couldn't help but shed a few tears after it was loaded it into the car. I mean this is really it, I am actually going to bring a baby home...it's not like the last two where the staff would need to be hidden, nope.not.at.all. This is one purchase out of many that will come in these last 3 months, I am really hoping that as each package roles in the easier and more excited I will become. After I got home I put it in the basement, maybe as these days go by I will unpack it, but for now at least it's here and at least I ordered something. I really hope as these next weeks I will allow my mind to wander into Emma's room and start preparing. I know my biggest fear is that something will happen like with Max as I was more than ready and excited for his arrival. Today really made me miss Max, he was my first loss and in perfectly good health, just not in the right place. Granted, I know he wouldn't have been in good health if he stayed any longer there but I had to make a in the moment decision there to end the life of my child or else we both would have been dead considering the circumstances. Ah, the way motherhood and pregnancy has worked out for me...it's the one thing that really pulls at my emotions.

Jusika Martinez

Tucson, Arizona, USA