Somewhere in the mist of things...

My delicate heart changed. In 2008 my life changed with a simple phone call. I remember being scared and having this constant worry of how am I going to do this? Growing up I always planned that my grandmother would help raise my child or children that idea was far before we went four years trying to conceive. At that point I gave up and settled with being just a career focused woman. That idea was also before my Grandmother died a tragic death where I watched the woman who raised me deteriorate and die within a 3 week process. I remember my heart back then, I thought it was inevitably broken and no matter how much money the state and facility were willing to give for the error it was just not enough. There I was in 2008 alone and in a different country. Yes, I had my husband but not someone to teach me how to do things not someone to say "you did this when you were little."  but by the time July 2009 rolled around I figured it was a sink or swim and off I went to have my first daughter. In the weeks following I was so elated to know I could do this alone without my Grandmother. Then so quickly after her birth we were planning on welcoming in a second baby to only be hit with a different type of tragedy. This affected my life in a way that could truly not be seen nor did anyone here know how to truly support a grieving mother. So there I was alone again in the mist of a storm that had no end in site. Even as I type tonight I can tell you that the struggle with guilt and lack of choice can still creep up if I am not careful with my thoughts. My heart definitely changed after that, it was like someone blew out that candle that had been shinning so bright since having Emma. I was left having doubts about my body, my woman parts, my ohsoloving God and having children again. After the Ectopic my chances of having children (naturally) went dramatically down and became more of a medical procedure than an "oops it's a plus" my whole life flipped upside down within moments.

A while later, after much convincing by Dr. A and me trusting I figured "hell what could go wrong, they all said it (the ectopic) was a fluke." Wrong there I was again losing another pregnancy and completely at a loss. A big "wtf god" did come flowing out of my mouth that day but like I had known all the time, these children were not mine to keep, they are just on loan from God. I tried to take as much time as I needed to recoup mentally & physically. I remember returning to work the Friday after the surgery for a D&C because no one in my flight knew how to do the time sheets, it didn't feel right. It's like those clothes from high school, you just know not to wear because you're not the same person with that same body or mind set anymore. After my second loss my heart changed even more, it became more cold and isolated, not willing to trust anyone in the medical field or outside my home because no one knew what this was like especially here. I remember my co-worker asking if I wanted to talk and I said there is no talking...the baby died. My thoughts, my heart, my anger and my peace were all mine to mess through no pace needed to be set by anyone else but me.

Then I remember going there and taking the test "Ma'm weren't you just here in September?" I wanted to say "Why yes Sherlock Holmes, I have frequent flyer rights to this test." But I didn't I just smiled and said thank you. I remember making that call at my office desk, ma'm it's positive. A simple "Okay thank you" is all I said. Then I hear a "Ma'm....isn't that a good thing?" I simply said "only if it's not residual from the D&C on the 13th of Oct." My heart wasn't ready to believe that within the storm of losing two children that there might be a rainbow and well neither was Dr. A. I can't even say that now that I am overly happy, you know like jumping up and down ready to scream happy. Like I might have been in the year of 2008 or Summer 2009 but it's more of a subtle happy as I proceed with caution, even now at 26 weeks I know nothing is guaranteed. Is that right or wrong, good or bad? I doubt it, I have come to realize in this path that there is no good or bad, right or wrong.

As I was pondering all of this during my early morning rising and hectic day today. Nothing really hit me today until I saw a tractor tilling a field and I went back to a sermon that I attended back home that talked about how you need to prepare your field and when you are ready God will do his work. For whatever reason me & my family were not ready but for whatever reason he feels this timing is right...now. So, here I sit with a changed heart even after all of these trials & tribulations, I know God has put me through the ringer for a reason unknown to me but it was something I needed to grow as a woman, wife, and mother. These were my mercies in disguise.