As the days get closer
As the days get closer I can't help but to think about the path we have been put on these last two years, without this specific path we would not be welcoming Ms. Ellie. Last night we talked about the reality that faces us after this, a few decisions will need to be made like if we continue to try in the future for another baby or call it good. Especially if the residual pain from the laparoscopic surgery consists. At this time the only option I have is to go back in to surgery so the Dr. could try to separate the ovary and the uterus. I am very leery on doing this because if it does not work then they would have to remove the uterus leaving me with nothing and no more kids would ever follow. I have been told by many Dr.'s here to get all the children we want (no matter how many failed attempts it takes) then make that decision because to actually successfully separate the two is very slim.
There are moments in my life that I am utterly outraged that I have to make decisions like above. There are also moments in life where I am utterly saddened by the decisions made or that are going to need to be made. These moments make me really think the urning for "what would have been" will possibly never subside. (Like one of those decisions to go to a specific school instead of another.) Carrying a new baby does not take away the pain, love, memory, hope or the dream that I once had for the two that aren't here nor does it make everything in life perfect but truly does make creating life feel like a true miracle.
I love each that I have been able to carry as they all have served their purpose in my life. Here is to all 4 of you, Emma, Max, Ethan and Ellie even with the difficult decisions I needed to make, or still need to make or that life has dealt I am grateful for each of you.
Each of you are your own little miracle.