May 31st, 2012

Wow! I can not believe nearly a month has past since I last blogged but life has gotten extremely busy so I am going to start with May 31, 2012: What would be Ethan's First Birthday. An let me preface this with a little bit of my emotions to date especially after moving from the house where it all happened. Every day that passes and moves further away from the day I feel as if the further from the memory I get. I have a new a home, new friends, new decor, and well what feels like a new life so it is extremely hard for me when  these days roll around, as these were the days where we would spend time with our closest friends at the Spaghetti house with a meal and wine an now well now it's our secret per say no one knows what that meal means. I woke up the 3 days before the 31st wanting to literally rip someones head off or possibly choke them in my mind I was realllllly agitated this week not realizing the week that it was but then I took a moment to cool off and look at my schedule and then realized what week this was no wonder I was so agitated! I was beyond agitated last year because with Max it was more of a somber sadness because of the tragic loss but with Ethan it was different. In my mind it was a blunt reminder of what I failed at without a freak alas I was pissy to say the least but when the day rolled around a calm in my heart took over because no matter how angry I was...I was still able to be carrying Ellie last year and this year I was blessed beyond belief to stare at my amazingly happy baby. Even though my plan hadn't worked out Gods plan was done.

So, needless to say that day I made a trip out to costco. I ended up spending over 15 minutes staring at a flower arrangement that I wasn't sure of and when I finally came to the conclusion that it was the one a Priest came and picked it up and took it away in his cart. In Italy...well, I would have already known what I would be getting...and this well wasn't exactly Italy, this was the hustle and bustle of Southern California and America. Needless to say I picked my plan b flowers and went on searching for something to buy and over to place a cake order for an upcoming event. Well, needless to say I placed my order and then I also ended up walking away with a sheet of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting with balloons that ready "Happy Birthday". I mainly got it for the balloons so If I could have scratched Happy Birthday off without ruining the cake, I would have. Then I drove 37 miles back home. When my husband got home we attended his softball game for the night and then headed over to a small town called Boron...(apparently the place the make Borax Wax? idk I haven't used it) anyway had a small and quaint little meal with just us and came home and had cake. Was it Italy? No, by far not but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Here's to you Ethan and what would be 1st  Birthday! I am nearly positive you are watching your sisters down here run a muck on your Momma!