This thought has been sitting on my tongue for a while, it just has not come to that point of actually making it a reality by typing it...maybe for lack of wanting to make it real by it coming out of my head. . . Growing up I was an observer, I mean I saw a lot. A lot ranging from from people getting beat (thanks to my lovely neighbors) to friends selling weed to photos of my best friends father who committed suicide in 1st grade after he had died to small things like the way people act when they don't get what they want. I have never said anything just observed... some of the items made me angry and some made me highly confused as a kid. As I grew I remained the same in character, an observer...once again holding in what my thoughts were, even if it came down to a simple right or wrong.
Most who know me these days (actually the last 8 years) know that something has changed. There are very few things that I hold back especially if it comes down to right or wrong. Which has made certain times of my life rather difficult and hard to get through. Especially when stating my truth ends a friendship or an acquaintanceship. Each of us have a defining moment where we choose the right over the left side road and mine happened to come at the ripe age of 21. The catalyst for me was a failed relationship due to cheating and it happened when I was 19. Everyone or certain people cheat shall I say but this was different for me as this was my long time boyfriend, my first of everything and it happened in my home. So, when I came to this situation at my dinner table with one of my best friends at that time I knew I would have to speak up...it simply was not right. Things between my friend and I got messy and eventually our friendship ended. This was my first time going from the observer to the one who speaks up.
I have since learned over the last few years that speaking up comes with a steep price and depending on the situation depends on how steep of a price you have to pay. Lately, I can tell you that speaking up for what is right or what will not happen in my home comes with a very steep price from slander to posse's of people hating me to not knowing who my real friends are to having to worry about who knows what about me. This time the price has made me go back and reevaluate my self, my actions, and my morals and values. Has it made me stronger? Yes... Has it made me want to act like Shhnaynay off of Martin? Yes...but I haven't... Has it made my relationships and friendships even better? Yes in some cases.
So, what is my reason in writing this? Well, I think it's because I will always be this girl...the girl that speaks her mind. I am no longer a person who hides what I feel or what I have to say. As a friend has stated to me "Take me as I am or leave as I was" meaning don't befriend some in hopes of changing them or hating them when they speak their mind...think about what they are saying...don't just prosecute them or set out on a witch hunt to isolate them. I learned at church recently that when someone speaks something that we don't like it's more than likely because we have an ounce of guilt or know it's something we are doing wrong. I am not saying that every person who has an opinion is right but if they speak something that urks you...do you know why? If not think about it. Just as you have a choice in the friendship so do they. If your the one speaking up...trust your hunches and if you feel led to speak...then speak don't be afraid of the repercussions and if the repercussions make you question your self that is okay, God is sharpening you for what he's called to do.