[10.13]

It is currently 11:40 at night here in California in Italy it is 8:40 a.m. on October 13th. This is my first year outside of Italy since I lost Max (10.13.09) and Ethan (10.13.10). In 2009 at 8:40 a.m. my self, Jeremy and Emma were walking in to a 9 a.m. appointment to see our second child in its first ultrasound. `I remember when booking the appointment with Dr. Mayer on the phone on the Friday before he was utterly ecstatic for me, my numbers were doubling and that meant I wasn't miscarrying the baby like we thought 3 weeks earlier. Then I mentioned the weird cramping I got on my left side he shrugged it off and said we will see on Tuesday. The night before my appointment my mom had mentioned how there were such things called ectopics but I thought nothing of because well I am Jusika...that sh*t doesn't happen to me...or so I thought. We walked in at 9 a.m. and the nurse walked us to the only ultrasound room there in the woman's clinic. I got ready and Dr. Mayer walked and simply said "Are you ready to see a baby today?!" I smiled as I sat there looking at Emma who was only 3.5 months old...I was nervous I was scared but utterly sure that since my numbers had doubled I wasn't losing a baby. As we got in to the ultrasound what was a loud and obnoxious doctor went completely silent and as I looked on the screen of an empty uterus my heart sank. I had no clue what I was about to walk through the next 8 hours. After a few questions he printed out at least 8 ultrasound photos and said "get dressed and come to my office." I got dressed and sat there in front of him listening to him explain how he thought I had an ectopic pregnancy. As I tried to digest it I simply uttered..."There is no way to save the baby even if we let it grow to a certain gestational age and deliver..." as he interrupted my sentence he simply said "if you keep this baby in you any longer and it ruptures you will die, you do not have enough to blood to even last 5 minutes to a hospital." My heart sank and I went in to survival mode. He then proceeded to tell me that we will go to labs and to radiology to confirm the ectopic and then proceed to surgery. I asked if I could call my mom and he said there isn't any time once we get upstairs if there is time I can call. He then proceeded to walk me to labs and radiology being sure he stood in between my self and the exit as if he knew I wanted to run. After labs I sat alone in radiology with 3 Dr.'s an ultrasound tech and a nurse as they all stood there looking as they preformed another ultrasound as I held my doctor's hand they confirmed my ectopic pregnancy. We then proceeded upstairs my self, Emma (who I only packed a bottle and one diaper for) and Jeremy. As we were in the elevator I mentioned to Jeremy that he needed to call and cancel my appointment for tomorrow with the New Parent Support Councilor...Doctor Mayer chimed in and said "you should keep it, you're going to need to talk about this." I simply didn't get why then he had a nurse come and speak to me about my loss and she handed me a brochure that I simply threw in to my stroller basket. I didn't know how much I would need to know what was in those pages. I then went in for surgery and woke up in a pool of blood and completely heartbroken as it was a clear statement that I just lost. I remember when I originally saw the blood...I freaked out...my face showed sheer horror and thankfully the nurse gracefully took me to the rest room and helped me clean up and let me know it will be okay. The Dr. who had delivered Emma came up to check on me and the only words I could muster were "I am sorry" as he hugged me then proceed to say I need to see you in six weeks for another pap. They then proceeded to wheel me out like what had just happened was no big deal. I remember saying to Jeremy on the ride home "when I woke up I was able to park in those beloved parking spots that were for pregnant women and now I am no longer pregnant and no longer able to park in those spots".

When I got home I will be honest I don't remember much of the first few days. I know I opted to drive my self to that appointment that next day and I candidly told the woman what just happened the day prior as she sat there in sheer shock knowing it hadn't hit me yet...and she was simply right. I had a few people bring food and I know that I actually made out to the grocery store in my dye-died nightgown that had cheetah print on it with a huge wool shaw, a redsox hat and paisley uggs...to say I was a mess was an understatement. It took me about a week and about 8 hours a night of google to completely grasp what pregnancy loss is and how it can make a women feel.

I did a great job of holding my emotions in...I hadn't simply "lost it" emotionally until I went in for my six week appointment with a different Dr as Dr. Mayer was pulled off the books. I was told that the baby was perfectly healthy with a strong heart beat...it was simply just bad luck the baby simply attached in the wrong place. I actually didn't lose it until I walked out of the office and thankfully I had a friend who had just happened to pass by at the right time to swoop me to the side. The raw emotions that I felt that day were unbelievable. I had no idea what I did wrong to deserve something like this from God. Not only did this make me question my womanlyhood it made me question my God.

I spent the next six months seeing a therapist about how to handle and cope with loss...some days were better than others and some days were simply hard. I didn't understand why or why I had to experience this loss and the added stress of losing my group of friends due to the rumors they were starting.

So fast forward to March/April 2011 I then was at a point where I was experiencing so much pain physically from the surgery and the removal of the tube that the Dr. and I had tried 4 different birth controls to help with the pain and additional medication that did not help. We were both frustrated, I am sure I was more than he was because I simply wanted to forget it but monthly I was not able to. He then suggested to try to get pregnant to see if it would help stretch things out I wasn't there but after a few months of pondering we started to try again and by August I had given up and by mid-September I was pregnant. I was quite excited as we went in at 5 weeks to see the baby was in the proper location and it was. A week later on October 12 I woke up bleeding bright red blood...I panicked and called Jeremy in the secured office but I was not able to reach him I then proceeded to call his first shirt and explain to him that I could not reach him and that bleeding he knew our prior history with loss so he went to the actual office and released him. As I sat there getting another ultrasound I heard the dreaded words of "let me go get backup." I knew in the bottom of my heart that I was it the stage of losing the baby again. The Dr. who replaced Dr. Mayer came in and examined me and proceed to say "please get dressed and come in my office." I then asked if it was Dr. Mayer's old office and she simply said "yes but the decor has changed." As I sat there in the same office I heard the words of "I don't feel you have a viable pregnancy and surgery is going to need to be done, I can schedule you for 15 October." I then stopped her and asked to have Dr. Allen as he has walked with us during this time since Dr. Mayer was pulled off the books. He was on vacation, she still called and he was there within 10 minutes to help. He then proceed to explain how we needed to get the debris out as soon as possible so that I did not get an infection. He then proceeded to explain how he had something tomorrow (10.13) and I stated "isn't that simply fitting." He then stated he could change the show time so it wouldn't be exactly the same so what ended up being an 8:30 appointment ended a little after 5:30 with all paperwork being done for a D&C the next day. We showed up at 0900 and was ready to go by 0930 laying in the same stall with some of the same nurses. Someone was delivering a 13 pound baby was going back and forth about having a C-Section and it delayed our start time so we end leaving about the same time. Right before I was still asking if we were doing the "right" thing. When I woke up it wasn't as much of shock as the time before. I was so "over" the experience that I actually went and ate Taco Bell with Jeremy right after which was bad decision. I remember puking in the women's restroom after eating and having someone ask if I was okay I simply stated "Yeah I am fine I just had surgery because I lost baby it's not a big deal." Looking back I am sure that poor lady was shocked, I know I would have been.

Each experience was completely different the second time I was simply proud and grateful that I was able to carry a baby that long the first time I was completely angry. Each loss I was faced with different situations from friends to coworkers to what people said in their reaction. It was simply a crapshoot on what I would get some hurtful and some just left me wondering WTF. I knew from what the Dr. had said it would be at least 7 months until I was able to carry a successful pregnancy and I was okay with that my heart needed to heal.

So here I am my second year not being pregnant, my first year of not even being anywhere near being pregnant or recovering from a delivery. The emotions are still there but not as strong nor they are they the same...I now come from a place of gratitude as those two hard experiences helped me grow in to someone who I never thought I would...it has brought me closer to God because I know he was teaching me during that time. I can't say I am completely healed from losing two children because I am not sure you ever completely heal but I can say my heart is more at peace with those experiences. I know Max and Ethan are resting comfortably in Gods arms and I know that God knew their purpose before they even were known about.

If you or anyone you love has lost pregnancy and are struggling with the loss reach out them, there are plenty of books and plenty of support to be given..don't let them deal with on their own.

RIP Max & Ethan Momma loves you!