I don’t like being vulnerable. I love listening to other people’s stories, walking with them through the ups and downs in life… but I don’t like being vulnerable. The many hours of seeing a councilor after the loss of Max can tell me all the answers as to why. The past hurts and then being burned by people has left me hesitant to trust and dive into relationships, with anyone. I’ve been a fighter my whole life. A fighter for justice, a fighter for truth, a fighter for others, a fighter to be different and…. a fighter to be seen for who I truly am. I rather be poked in the eyes than be the center of attention or on stage. For those who know me know how much standing on a stage, training people or briefing people used to be a true panic for me but my comfort with it has changed over time. But to be truly seen for exactly who I am to be drawn out, lifted up and appreciated for exactly who I am… I’ve fought for it for years...but in only wanting to hide my background in fear that people will know and judge what dark places that I have been. It's not that I don't like who I have become, it's the fact that what happened in my life to help form me into who I am...are dark moments in my life...they aren't moments that I have professed my relationship with God, they are moments in life in which no one will understand unless they stood with me.
I’m independent, strong-willed, and passionate about many things. All things that I have been blessed to see as good assets have unfortunately been told were negative things. I’ve been told that my independence would keep me from relationships, that my passion needs to be corralled in and that my strong-willed determination to stand for what is right… is divisive.
I’m a fighter. I’ve been in a season of fighting for years… from family and how we treat each other, to how things should be for others and it’s a season that I have learned from and grown through. It’s a season that has molded me into the person that I am today and that I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I have fought to be seen for who I am, I have fought to prove that I can make a difference, I have fought to prove that although I AM strong, and that I am also a human in need of relationship.
Since March it's been a whirlwind of choosing what situations to put down the fists because those situations or places aren't the ones that God wants me in. Those situations have made me realize that there is a community of being seen, being noticed without the turmoil and that there is a community where people will appreciate me for who God created me to be. I will be valued, appreciated seen not as someone who needs attention or someone to put another one down, but noticed as someone who has something valuable to offer without the fighting for what is right, for others, to be different. I will be valued and appreciated hands down.
This is me, I’m not a "writer", I’m not full of wise words, hell I don't even pretend to know EVERYTHING.... I’m just a person with feelings, a heart and soul. I am a person who, like everyone else, wants to be seen for good. I pray that if you are in the season of fighting….keep fighting, don’t believe the lies that your God has given you gifts that need to be different or tamed, Fight because of who you are. You will find the community that you are meant to be in and I challenge you, as I am challenging myself (because let me tell you I struggle with this daily)….see. See people, see the value in everyone, see their passions and their gifts and call that out in them. Be that positive impact...don’t assume that it's being called out and uplifted. You have the ability to lift someone up today. Don’t deny them that moment of being seen, valued and appreciated.