There are life moments and blog posts that we all would love to never live or write about again and for me that life moment or post is pregnancy loss. Tonight I write less than 24 hours after another laparoscopic surgery for an ectopic pregnancy, this is my second ectopic pregnancy. Last Thursday I found out I was expecting after moments of "oh shit" and confusion and knowing what one night it was I trusted that God had a plan for this baby. The one person I told lifted me up in prayer and encouraged that God had a plan for the baby, it was quite comforting to know someone was with me in this. On Saturday after being out and about and on my feet all day I started having sharp pelvic pain, but no blood so I chalked it up to things simply being pissy down there, I think that might happen after a Salpingectomy, DNC, and multiple cyst removals from your woman region all within 5 years. Then on Sunday while out at our Church get together, I started having those sharp pains again, but this time I called the Nurse Line for my insurance and I am so glad I did.
After I got off the phone with the nurse, she advised that I go to the ER so we went into the ER expecting everything to be fine, I suppose that was my first mistake. I got called back pretty quickly and spoke to the Dr about the short and long term goals of this pregnancy. Our short term goal was to make sure the pregnancy was in the right place, our long term goal was to make it to 40 weeks. After multiple back and fourths to get blood and an ultrasound I was pulled back again for more blood test so I asked why and he said to see how quickly your blood clots, at that time I knew something was not right. Thankfully, my friend that I told and her husband came down to the ER to support us in what was going on and after a 40 minute wait ,we were pulled into the ER door entrance and told that I had another ectopic pregnancy and they believed it was in the right tube this time, at this moment my heart completely broke...how could this happen again? He said that an OB Doctor would head over from the Women's Center and that they will call me back shortly. We stood in the hall a moment and I simply cried I couldn't understand. We went back and told our friends what was going on and instantly my friend went into prayer and after a few moments of all of us taking it all in we went into planning mode on where the girls could go for the night. After about 30 minutes the Doctor called me back and had me a room to stay in until the OB Doctor got there. As I laid there they took my vitals and immediately started me on fluids as my heart rate was 107, they hoped rehydrating me would calm me. After the girls were picked up we laid there listening to Pandora's Contemporary Christian channel and I cried. When the Doctor finally came we spoke about the different options, locations it could be in and how dangerous those locations could be if it were to rupture, he said the deadliest place was on the cusp of the tube and the uterus because when it "blows, it blows". My options were a shot of Methotrexate (only given under certain criteria) or surgery, which done through a laparoscopic procedure. One surgery is called a Salpingostomy which is where they cut an insert into the tube, remove the fetus, and the other form of surgery is called a Salpinectomy which is where they remove the whole tube which is what I had in 2009 with Max. After he evaluated the film of the ultrasound and after examination he felt that the lyproscopic surgery was the best, but he did not know if it would be a just a fetus removal or full tube removal. I prepared myself for the worst which would be the full tubal removal which would leave me with no natural ways to conceive a baby. Within an hour and a half of meeting the Doctor I was wheeled into the operating room at 3 in the morning for surgery. Thankfully, I had a peace in my heart that even though I might come out not being able to naturally have kids I would be okay emotionally. As I was wheeled into the Operating Room the Anesthesiologist and I spoke about my pregnancy history since he heard this was not my first ectopic, I explained to him this is my fifth pregnancy I have had 2 live births, one miscarriage and 2 ectopic pregnancies, he was shocked at my history and apologized for my experiences. When I awoke from surgery at 6am the Doctor's words were "you won't remember this, but you're a curveball girl, your right side looks great, but your ectopic pregnancy was on the cusp of what was left of your left tube and your uterus, if it had ruptured you would have died". After almost an hour in recovery the nurses started to talk to me to get me up and going. As I got ready to get up I explained to the nurse that she was going to need to help me clean up the blood that I thought I was lying in she then explained to me that there was no blood and that not all ectopic pregnancy surgeries end up super bloody. At almost 7:30ish they wheeled me out and all was said and done, the pregnancy was gone and I was alive with still one natural way to conceive a baby.
Even though this is my third pregnancy loss emotionally this is not easy at all, it's quite heartbreaking even though the pregnancy was not planned after finding out I made the plan as we researched car seat options, we picked out names (only boy names came to mind), finished up the baby registry but the plan was not for our Samson to come to earth.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16
I truly believe that God has a plan for me and these experiences.