If you would have asked on Monday or Tuesday if I had any emotion about my pregnancy loss I would have said "no, it is what it is" and in fact that is what I said to a nurse but with her just posing that question was the opening of Pandora's box, which I didn't want open at least not yet because I wasn't sure how to truly sift through the emotion of losing yet another pregnancy. In the past few years I have realized there are levels and degree of emotions, and since Sunday my emotions have truly been on a roller coaster. There are moments where I can hide the hurt well, there are moments I could scream "why?" or "why again?", there are moments where I just cry, then there are moments of anger and last but not least there are moments where I feel guilty for not being more thankful that I can still bear children and that I am alive. This situation is truly a sticky and sucky one, I know that the bottom line is that I believe God is here and working within me but this is truly heartbreaking and all my mind can tell me is to "suck it up, we've been here before". This situation is truly where my marriage split at and here I am again in the same situation, sifting and sorting through the raw emotions that pregnancy loss does to you and your body. I tried venturing back to work today but left early, my body isn't ready and honestly I am not sure I am ready to be with the general population (obviously I watched way too many SVU's these last few days) because there are moments where I will see a newborn, newborn clothing or simply remember that no baby is on their way and I simply start to tear up. To others I look like someone with mental health issues because they simply do not know, you know it's not like I carry a sign around saying "just lost my baby on Monday". I know some might stop there and think "it's just a pregnancy" but honestly it is a baby who was deeply loved and who I planned it's life out before even seeing an actual twinkle in his eye, it's my child that I will never get to see during my time here on earth. In the moments of crazy like above I don't wonder "Why Me" I wondered "why again?", "what the hell is wrong with my body?" and "why is body doing this?" In fact that those were the sort of questions I asked to the Doctor on Monday before he wheeled me up to the operating room. "Why Again?" Having one ectopic increase your chances of having another...yay go me! Sence the sarcasm there? Well don't worry you're not the only one who got it, having my first Ectopic wasn't a fluke like said by the Doctor the first time. After coming back to the states another Doctor strongly felt that my woman issues were from Endometrosis, which later was confirmed. So add that with a previous ectopic and you have a strong concoction for another Ectopic Pregnancy and now that I've had two Ectopic Pregnancies it increases my chances even higher to have another one...now you see the madness and see why I was okay with ending my natural way of concieving on Monday? Each time I get pregnant I am playing Russian roulette with my life because depending on the location, length of pregnancy, and how quickly you catch that you have an ectopic depends on if it will rupture or not or if you live or not. Granted when we got out of surgery this time the Doctor said my right tube looked great as if it was an added bonus. Does that mean we will try for more kids? Well, I need to honestly get mentally and hormonally stable before we venture into that thought process because one we've ridden the crazy coaster of coming off of pregnancy hormones and going right back up, it is not and I repeat NOT a fun adventure and as of Monday I was okay closing that shop down even if it has meant that Samson is my last pregnancy I think I am okay with that even with the pain and heartbreak that I am feeling now and even if the recommendation for getting over a pregnancy loss or getting out of crazy town after a loss is to have another baby the bottom line is that I want to be able to see my two girl's graduate or see their wedding day's and just be there living life.