Tonight I planned on finishing my post about the "frustrations & after effects of pregnancy loss" but as I wrote the post the more frustrated I got. I am already irritable, today marks 2 weeks since I found out about my pregnancy and to top it off I overworked my body at work today an everything hurts...and let's not start about the incisions that are having trouble healing, as you can see I am already overly frustrated with life and it just wouldn't be good for my mental state to write anymore on that topic because the list of frustrations truly tallies up tonight. As I went on a drive tonight I realized the one thing tonight that reminded me of the night I lost Samson was my attitude and what I was feeding my mind. That night my first feelings and thoughts were of anger, sadness and why why why? Asking why was only making me more upset and angry so as I laid in my hospital listening to others complain about their pain all well knowing I was loosing my sweet baby in a not so sweet of a way I turned on the Pandora's Contemporary Christian channel and cried, I had no where else to turn but to God because I know that he will be able to comfort me better than anyone in this world can, even a Kit Kat. Listening to Christian music or turning to God to pray multiple times that night didn't answer my questions of why, or take away my pain but it allowed me to feel, be vulnerable and know that he is there with me. Life in general has its difficulties for people to work to not always getting what we want and when you add in something that strikes a chord emotionally it is easy to fall into a negative thought process and for me turning on a channel on the radio or online completely refocuses me. It doesn't take away the feelings but instead of saying "this sh*t sucks" I find encouragement in the words of the songs and know that my life is for his glory, even though I might find it the most difficult thing like loosing multiple pregnancies I know that he's working in this heart of mine.
I completely and whole heartily believe in God but I completely and whole heartily miss the babies that I lost...it's a very fine line I walk some days with anger and hurt but I know he's here and knew my path before I breathed my first breath. It's just reminding myself of his word and through music that our God is in an unfailing, all loving, and ever merciful God.