I read a book the first ectopic that was called "Hidden Loss: Miscarriage & Ectopic Pregnancy", when originally reading the title I didn't quite grasp how "hidden" it was. I returned to work last week and no one knew except for 3, that was it. No one understood why I couldn't lift anything or why I was quiet or why my eyes were filling up with tears when looking at the baby department...they truly didn't know. The not so kind comments, or lack of knowledge comments I've gotten used to, I suppose your skin just continues to get thicker as you continue to lose. But one thing I've struggled with is how this is part of "my story" and how it's truly okay to share my story. Just a few months ago after the 2nd conversation with my sister and her lack of understanding of why I relive or remember the losses I decided to file this in the category of "just a life experience, no need to share" mainly because I felt as maybe I was "off" in sharing my story or what's helped shape me to be a better mother and what's help me grow on my path with God, I thought hell I'm only 29 maybe she's right...she's older and more knowledgeable about life so that I did, I removed it from my blog and minimized it in my life and conformed but after I did that I found myself in more situations that normal where I came across someone who loss their pregnancy and then the loss of happened. When I originally found out I was expecting it wasn't the best timing in my life I was at a point in my life where I was just quenching God, I was working a ton at work and at home, my relationship was possibly in the worst point it's ever been in as the last few losses truly challenged my partner to the point where his anger, disappointment and lack of understanding of the losses were being refocused on to me and being used in arguments but after he realized that the mention of the losses do not get a reaction out of me and that I was completely okay with the way things happened and that I had a peace with what God was doing in my life things changed because the fighting and refocusing he was doing stopped and after a while things were slowly falling in to place and then we found out I was expecting and things were looking up and then we were there sitting in an emergency room waiting and ending up in the same situation of loss as we were in 2009 and 2010 the same situation that sent us on separate emotional roads and it was hard.
Losing a pregnancy or baby at any stage is hard and sometimes for others sake it's easier to ignore the hard things, which is understandable because healing emotionally is hard work. There are days even myself that I want to run from this situation but I am choosing to heal emotionally so that I am able to share because I remember those many nights that I sat at in my concrete Italian house on Via P. Marochelli and searched for someone even if it was just 1 person who experienced something similar to me to help me not feel alone in a country that I already felt alone in. I suppose that's my calling, sharing my story of my trials of pregnancy loss and what God done has done in my life through these losses. I hope that by sharing that maybe others will start or share or even experience an everlasting and wavering faith within him during their hardest trials here on earth.