Today at Church we opened up just as we usually do but today I felt a conviction in my heart even with greeting others around. A conviction of my heart saying "this is you and your struggle and your faith during this will be shown" it's a conviction that I cannot say I've ever had in my life. Then this song came on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POK2yIO914c
I've heard it many many times this week because it's all that I've prayed for since this happened but today my heart poured out to Jesus with many many many tears falling from my sweet eyes as my hand raised reaching out for God (those who know me, know I am not a hand raiser) but I felt it, I felt this unbelievable movement and knowing in this song. You could hear the trembling in my voice and just the presence of God in that moment. I didn't care who saw and I surely didn't care if my partner thought I went bat shit cray cray because this was me crying out to Jesus all of the burdens that I've felt since losing.
Losing your sweet sweet baby at any age is not easy emotionally or physically. I mean who else can say they have the sloth from Ice Age on their stomach? Don't believe me? Don't make me show you lol, I have no shame...it is what it is...you just gotta laugh at some things that pregnancy loss brings you. It's just that this week has partially been un-laughable in fact I cried the whole way home from my follow up appointment on Tuesday and then I put my big girl undies on and went back to work. They know at work that this is a very delicate transition that I've been going through but Tuesday both of my bosses could tell that this loss was finally getting to me emotionally. See the world and life goes on after these losses that I experience and the appointment that go along with it subside but the emotions are not quick to fade, not at all. As I sat in an office of pregnant women I realized that I was the 1 in 4 that end in pregnancy loss. As I went back and listened to how the Doctor who did the surgery was a miracle worker I simply got sick to my stomach. I was tired of hearing how much the Doctors who have done my Ectopic pregnancy surgeries were miracle workers or super hero's. Don't get me wrong I am glad that he did not have to cut me from hip bone to hip bone like the guy said but I lost my sweet baby, as much as I am grateful for his due diligence it's a crappy situation. What also made my stomach want to get the hell out of dodge? Well it was his reaction to this being my second Ectopic pregnancy and his funny way of explaining how this "might have" happened...uh hello I am a Mom and I only deal in facts and that was not what he was giving me, which left me with such a raw emotion and no true closure. I wanted so much for this experience to be over I found myself pouting and being angry at myself in the car about my hormone counts not being back at zero, even though I knew logically that it could take up to six weeks. For me the frustration was that I need to go back every single week until they return to zero, so that meant every single week I will need to get my blood checked and scoot my butt into their office of pregnant people which made me rather irritable, angry and sad. So, on Thursday I went and got my blood drawn for my weekly appointment and very nicely told the lab guy to use a smaller needle so that I didn't bruise because I've been stuck way too many times these last 3 weeks and here we start the next week of this chapter of my life but this time my hopes, my prayers, my burdens are prayed out to you Lord to graciously cover me in words and places that you need me to be.