I realized yesterday that I cannot give you any special way to heal as there's not a magical formula the only thing I can do is give you my walk for 31 Days as I heal. Today's topic I want to talk about with you in the healing process is "always expect the unexpected".
There will be moments through the walk after your loss that will hit you harder emotionally than others. I remember when I experienced my first Ectopic Pregnancy sitting in the follow-up appointment hearing "your baby was perfectly normal, healthy and had a heart beat, it sadly just happened to get stuck in the wrong place. My heart at that time sank to an emotional place that I could not understand and I was beyond angry more like livid at God so that those communication lines were definitely not flowing as well as they should be or at all.
With my miscarriage the moment that hit me hard was the fact my boss (who was a woman) did not understand at all. She came from a different place in life. Her words of "it's not that big of a deal you just get over it, I know because _______" nearly floored me and her actions in attempting to write me up for missing the first two days of work after my D&C caused me later resign from my place of work. At that time I was not in a place emotionally to work with someone with no filter and I am not sure that even now I could work for her again, especially after losing again. After some time in your walk you will be able to handle those political situations where their words or actions can feel as if they cut deep, especially if they come from a loved one. If you're just beginning your process and you're in an emotionally raw place know that it is okay to feel that hurt and what is said, but please realize that even if they say something they feel is right, doesn't always make it right.
The process I am walking today happened to be going very smoothly so far there wasn't any real emotional moment where I wasn't relying on God until yesterday at my follow-up appointment. I was told that with the structural damage of the uterus (from the removal of the Cornual Ectopic) that he did, he does not suggest for me to carry any more pregnancies. As I risk the chance of my uterus rupturing any time before a baby might mature enough to be delivered and if I were to get far enough to need a delivery (about 24 weeks) it will not be naturally as my uterus is not strong enough to handle the contractions.
Insert a vast amount of tears here, I cried for nearly the whole 40 minutes home. There is a vast difference in where I was the night of my surgery and where I was yesterday. Mainly because I had this hope of having another child after I made it through the surgery with might right tube, I did not expect those words or recommendation, at all. In fact, one of my questions was "we can we start trying again. I will be honest, my heart has been quite turbulent since my appointment yesterday. I cannot walk by the infants department at work without my eyes swelling or wanting to break down and sob. Knowing that for my own and any future child (that I was considering having) safety that they will not be coming for me to carry or hold comes a vast amount of hurt especially knowing that my last pregnancy ended the way it did.
Knowing there will be no more pregnancies and knowing his recommendation will be put in my medical file we both know that this can affect our future orders (places the military will move us) as we will need to be at a base that will have the facilities to handle possible ectopic pregnancies and "just in case" oops of a high risk situation of a uterus rupturing or a premature baby. Everything that once seemed so "possible" now seem so final and not in the final that I expected.
I know that my story is for his glory, but right now in this moment I feel that his land tilling or pruning is a hard path to be walking because my expectations are not his plan.
If you are just joining me on my #31Day’s blog journey on Walking the Path of Healing after Multiple Pregnancy Loss – Faith, Frustrations and Everything In-between see all of my blog posts here.