I spent today in one of the happiest places on earth and let me tell you newborns and pregnant women everywhere. It's not that I dislike or hate newborns or pregnant people but I know three things 1) I will never meet the one I just lost here on earth. 2) I am not and never be one of those pregnant women again. 3) I will never hold another newborn after being pregnant again. An get this no one will know...walking up to me and meeting me at face value you would have never known I was pregnant or will never be pregnant again. Everything about pregnancy loss (ectopic or not) is silent absolutely silent and sadly people expect you to move on without a second thought. Hum hello?! Just because my baby didn't live outside the womb doesn't mean it isn't real...I talked to him, I knew he was there as I gagged on toothpaste in the morning and we were together for 6 weeks. I planned his life before he was born along with where he would sit in my car...he was planned for and expected. I remember saying to the doctor "the first ectopic was a fluke, why why why again?" And "are you sure you're right?!" I mean hell I've been here before why again? I mean Lord what are you doing in this life of mine? Because this sucks, it's hard..it's vulnerable and it causes me to hurt. I also remember saying before I knew I was expecting "man, I am not sure I could handle another ectopic or loss" I feel as if God said "oh honey, it really can just wait to see."
An today as I watched the pregnant women and the newborns I realized that within the loudness of life I will silently grieve the third loss of a sweet baby. Life isn't fair, it sometimes sucks, it can hurt and this is one of those moments because even in one of the happiest places on earth you can still be sad and still grieve while living life.
If you are just joining me on my #31Day’s blog journey on Walking the Path of Healing after Multiple Pregnancy Loss – Faith, Frustrations and Everything In-between see all of my blog posts here.