Well, I've made it 28 days and 4 Monday's since that day. As I stood there today at work handing out giveaway tickets a co-worker and I got into a conversation about why I cannot lift right now. I truly tried to skirt around the reason because my work and pregnancy loss has not always mix well but he was quite inquisitive. His first question was "why can you not lift?" and my answer was "I had abdominal surgery" second question was "what sort of abdominal surgery?" uhhhhhh... I then explained the surgery and how this wasn't my first loss and his reply was just "wow, I thought people just had kids" My snarky reply was "Oh so did I" I realized today while talking to him that my work has been more than reasonable this time around as to when I was working in Italy for the Air Force...it' didn't go so well. My current employer knows (how I have no clue) how hard this path is and has given me the space to work it out and has not said a peep when I come to work barely put together. This weekend these feelings of rage, hurt, anger and sadness hit I could not even listen at church, I simply wasn't there and having sit next to someone that gave off the perception they had it all together didn't help because well I am simply a mess of emotions. Next weekend we have family photos...these photos were where we were going to announce that I was pregnant as I would have been far enough along to do so...and now I have to simply smile as I might have it all together, which I don't. Then the next day marks the two losses of Max and Ethan (10-13-09 & 10-13-10) and then on Tuesday well it's National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day...it's all a lot and overwhelming just thinking about. I am in the thick of this loss and I am truly trying to not to go throw a toddler like fit during this time. I've got all the "answers" just not the ones I wanted to hear...what do you do when that happens to you? Have you easily gone with it or do you look for a way to overlook the final answers? Right now I am doing the latter but I suppose that's part of the process of grieving.
If you are just joining me on my #31Day’s blog journey on Walking the Path of Healing after Multiple Pregnancy Loss – Faith, Frustrations and Everything In-between see all of my blog posts here.