Yesterday we went shopping for the girls looking for suitable winter clothes and outfits for our photographs today. While driving to the town center we were speaking about the bible and how it truly lacks a verse specifically for pregnancy loss or a story about it. Then we got into each story and I referred back to Jeremiah 1:5:
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations."
I truly feel that God knew that these Babies weren't going to come to be born. He knew their plan and I find a deep solace in knowing that he know's my plan and each one of our plans just as he said in Jeremiah 29:11:
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
Does it make walking the path of grieving an unborn child easier? Most day's it gives me great peace that he knew what he was doing and other days when I am going through the anger phase or bargaining phase it does not help as much because instead of being angry at God I attack myself and that is rather easy to do especially when you lose 3 times and you see someone who is Fertile Mertile and has delivered a large amount of children with zero losses. Pregnancy loss through miscarriage or ectopic truly injures a woman's self-esteem because it feels as if your body has failed and for myself with zero positive or safe or natural ways of holding another pregnancy it truly hits below the belt (no pun intended).
As I get ready to prepare my heart for church tomorrow I realize that as I am grieving the loss of Samson I am also reflecting on the very special day of October 13. Not only did I lose Max my first ectopic on October 13, 2009 three months after delivering my sweet Emma-Bemma, I also lost my fallopian tube. Then on October 13, 2010 I lost my sweet Ethan through miscarriage. I remember thinking then how hard losing two was and I can easily say that God was more likely preparing my heart for September 9, 2013 without me even knowing, he has given me the right words, grace and mercy to handle life a lot better than I did back then even with being faced with different situations than I was then. Instead of filing "loss" in a file that I barely visit I have found myself pouring myself and my story out for others to read or know they are not alone. I've always had a heart for those of us who have lost a sweet baby but this time my heart is on fire so that there isn't anyone out there feeling alone in their walk.
If you are just joining me on my #31Day’s blog journey on Walking the Path of Healing after Multiple Pregnancy Loss – Faith, Frustrations and Everything In-between see all of my blog posts here.