One of the things I struggle with is allowing myself to grieve, especially this time. I am normally an "On Fire Christian" until this happened, for a third time. The first time I experienced a loss after a month or two of walking the grief cycle I gave up on God, I was truly in the trenches of feeling the loss and I got so angry at what happened I couldn't talk to him, heck I couldn't even speak to myself or aloud what I was truly feeling. I was in a foreign country and over 5,000 miles away from home & family and I couldn't get it myself. Nor could I find someone who got what it was like to lose at that level or that way. I will admit I was stuck and not until speaking to our Chaplin did I truly get why I was so angry. It goes back to having that hope or expectation for it to be right and that really affected me because I literally just gave birth three months before and could not comprehend how it simply got "stuck" in the wrong place. I remember being physically stuck in a 3 Bed Italian Maternity Ward Room with a Crucifix on the powder blue wall that I faced because of an infection from the Ectopic Pregnancy surgery, I was the only one in that room. If that wasn't a clear sign that I needed to talk to God I don't know what else that sign would have looked like because my emotions back then were so hidden even to myself. I was hurting too deeply to deal with my loss. My conversations with God started out very slowly after that night, I was angry and all I kept hearing was "just get over it" or when I did cry or have my emotional moments in the car or wherever (because we all know they come at any time) my partner got "You need to get her checked out". The world expects you to move on and move on quickly, please do not rush through this...this is a process a very important one.
A year later to the date I lost again, I remember thanking God that day. Thanking him for allowing the baby to stop growing on his own. I know that sounds a bit crazy and I probably would have never thought about it but the biggest hangup I had on the first loss was that the baby had a heart beat and this time it didn't, it was a HUGE relief off of my soul and shoulders. I cannot say I fully relied upon God with every burden of that loss at the time mainly because I felt this overpowering amount of wondering and questioning of God and it took until the Ethan's due date to truly say "Okay God, I might have one on the way but I truly do not know what you are doing in my life especially with pregnancy loss but I am here". That moment was also the last 8 weeks of Ellie's time in the womb. I might have said "I'm here" but the fear of losing truly never went away and it probably didn't help that we were having issues with fetal activity as we got closer to the finish line with Ellie. I truly was high strung those last few weeks and wanted to be as in control as I could be, even though I already knew I wasn't. I remember delivering Ellie-Bean it was completely silent and the first question I had was "is she breathing" and myself hearing a "yes" that sigh of relief is one that is truly an unexplainable emotion.
So here we are four years after the first loss and I lost the same way...the same darn way! Before the loss I was so in the word grasping for God on my own without the pressure of a loss or any tragic thing. I could talk about my losses as a stepping stone into what God did in OUR relationship together and be there for other women. But as the weeks have gone by and I have started walking the grief cycle again I find myself asking the hard questions to God and in moments being mad or even angry at God for being here, again. I was so uncomfortable with not praising his name for being alive or the positiveness in this that I had to sit down with someone and say "hey this is where I am at, and it SUCKS!" The fact is grief has a cycle and if I allow myself feel it, even the anger I am going to get stuck in it again and possibly turn away. God knows my heart, he knows yours and he knows what I need to say and feel to get through this and to be authentic to not only God but my faith I need to feel this. Minimizing will not work nor will putting this in a corner so I pray to God that he is able to give me the works and the faith to be authentic in my hurt, sorrow, and grief all while still believing in him and his glorious plan.
If you are here in the cycle of grief I urge you to journal, talk to God and take time to be in the word with God even if you don't feel like it I urge you to do it. If you have someone to talk to without judgement, do it...work through this grief and most of all allow yourself to grieve, no matter where you are in your faith...here is here with you and knows what you are going through and when you are hurting, he weeps for you. He knows our problems, anger, hurt, sorrow and pains of this world let him be there for you.
If you are just joining me on my #31Day’s blog journey on Walking the Path of Healing after Multiple Pregnancy Loss – Faith, Frustrations and Everything In-between see all of my blog posts here.