My walk in faith has come far from that high school night football game where I met Brian Beltramo, our High School FCA Ministry Director. I am 1000% positive that he could have walked away from me that night after I told him I believe in a higher power but "hell maybe his name is Bob, who knows" instead he invited me to a FCA meeting which turned into him signing me up for FCA Camp at University of California Santa Barbra. I am sure he prayed for my salvation since the night we met but sometimes fruit does always come from prayer or actions but thankfully it did. I strongly believe that if I did not have that foundation that I could have easily been taken deeper and further away from God after my first ectopic pregnancy. So there I was in this hand raising Jesus loving possibly sporting a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker (totally kidding but you get my point) I was totally in love with the word, grasping for this divine romance with Jesus believing it all. Then I was pregnant I still thought "God you must know what you're doing here" then came that bittersweet night where I heard a Doctor utter the words of "It's another ectopic" Thankfully I had someone there to pray with me that night. Since then it's been me and Jesus and I am 60% positive he's speaking upon deaf angry ears right now. I struggled for a few weeks on how to balance this grief that I have in my heart that carries hurt, anger, sadness, bartering and my faith, my Christianity, my search for this divine romance with Jesus. Right now I have this wall built, this protection that comes from this childlike statement of "No, Jesus you hurt me" Insert like pouting toddler look here but on a 29-year-old. I know that I need him, I know I do but I am mad, disappointed and sad...I also know this will pass...once my heart gets through this pain but until then I continue to read his word and know that he is there and so that I know the facts of Jesus that sometimes our emotions can cover.
If you are just joining me on my #31Day’s blog journey on Walking the Path of Healing after Multiple Pregnancy Loss – Faith, Frustrations and Everything In-between see all of my blog posts here.