I realized yesterday after talking to someone that I had never met before that 3 pregnancy losses and my partner leaving is a "wow, that's of a lot" to deal with. The question that came after the "wow, that's a lot" was "how do you do it emotionally?" My first response was a smile that was followed by "Faith" I then proceeded to tell them it hasn't always been my faith that's gotten me through this because really the first time I was angry past the point of even talking to God. As I was finishing the conversation my mind kept going back I kept remembering that time that I was so far away from God because of my loss. When talking to my Pastor the other day he mentioned about how tragedy can do one of two things. One is that the tragedy can bring you closer to God or two being it takes you away from God. He also mentioned how there is a cycle that rings true in most people's lives where at times they are closer to God or far from God. So what am I saying with this? Well, you might feel farther away from God than you ever have in life right now but know he is doing work within you and he knew that you "needed" space from him for the time being but you will be back.
The first time around I used to always think he was pruning me so that one day fruit will grow from the second time I thought the birth of Ellie was the fruit but now that I am here in my third loss I realize that holding hope and faith in God during a high risk pregnancy was not it. I can see that he was pruning me to do his work from giving him the Glory to attempting to make changes where it's truly needed and in a community where it's truly not an option or something someone truly talks about.
If you're there in the mist of this please know that I am praying for you so that you can have the ears and the eyes to see God during this time, I know it hurts...and hurts unbelievably bad but know he knows how angry, sad or how much you feel it's unjust...he knows...yell and scream if need be but at least try to talk to him.
If you are just joining me on my #31Day’s blog journey on Walking the Path of Healing after Multiple Pregnancy Loss – Faith, Frustrations and Everything In-between see all of my blog posts here.