I've Been Here Before
"If you barf, please barf in the direction of your Daddy"
I literally just uttered those words to my 2 year old daughter who had earlier spewed milk out of her mouth and all over my expensive comforter. I believe she might have had too much candy tonight. See I've been here before with a sick kid, obviously as a Mom that happens but it's not the only place I've been.
See in less than 4 days I will be driving to the international airport in my town and bidding farewell to one of the most important people in my life for six to seven months. I've been here before right?
Right! But the thing is...the last time I was here saying "see you later" it was just me, not me plus two. Nor was I less than sixty days out of losing a pregnancy. I joked a little this week "if there's going to be a breakdown over this loss, you won't be here". See, the thing is the last Ectopic I had a breakdown that was the bad ugly cry times three at my six week appointment but this time well this time, I am feeling and grieving it even if I don't want to and there has yet to be an ugly cry times three break down.
I feel like I should be in AA sometimes because I often find myself checking my own mental to make sure I am doing the things to get by, such as:
Angry? Listen to some Christian Music.
See a Newborn? Remember that God has a different plan for you.
Hear something that's not sympathetic? Remember we are all imperfect not everyone will have the right words.
Hear something that partially puts you at fault for your loss? Remember Jus it's not your fault, God's plan over my plan.
Feel like crying and don't know why? Pull over cry, wipe your face and move on.
Feel like eating all you have to eat because your eating your emotions? Remember Food is not what will satisfy you.
Feel like your life is cursed with loss and that your that loss girl that everyone says wow to once they hear or read your story? Remember God's plan not your's.
The list seriously could go on and on mainly because it does, it's how I keep my mind in check and remembering the facts in a very fluke situation. As this week approaches and I prepare to bid farewell to a very important man, I realize that this next six to seven months it's just me and God working through those milestones and difficult days...and me keeping me together.