Two words: I'm exhausted!
On Thursday the girls and I bid farewell to the other half of our hearts for a very extended amount of time. The first few days were rough and left a lot unsaid before he left mainly because sometimes with your kids around you don't always get to talk about things that are laying heavy on your heart especially in the time of transition but thankfully with the FaceTime we were able to talk once he got situated. He will admit sometimes he's an open mouth insert foot type of guy and I am thankful he know's this, it might take him a few minutes or a few hours but he eventually comes back around to what he said and admits it was one of those moments and thankfully I've been able to graciously respond when he puts his foot in his mouth but that hasn't always been the case.
So where am I going with this? Well, over the years I learned that our biggest offenders can be the ones we love the most and just because you've lost a pregnancy doesn't mean that he's going to spare you...but it also doesn't mean he is trying to intentionally saying something to hurt you, it truly is just one of those moments. Remember He is grieving too...it's not just you. One of the hardest things with pregnancy loss for men is that they don't always get it mainly because their attachment starts from the moment they hold the baby and with my three pregnancy losses they were not of a true age or option to hold. I remember looking at the photos they gave me after my ectopic the first time, it brought tears to my heart and honestly it still does but it didn't really hit him as hard as me.
Once he got to where he was going we got more time to talk than the last few weeks allocated. We got to touch on how I truly do not feel that the Air Force cares for what it's families endures we were less than two months out of losing our third pregnancy and he was already gone and we just had to deal. We also discussed my actions after this loss because for whatever reason I feel this heavy heavy heavy calling to make a change in the Air Force for parents who have lost on every level. In the mist of the conversation he stated to me "If I had not asked you to leave your career and move to Italy we would not be here", this statement bugged me for days and I eventually ended up talking about it to him again. Why did it bug me? Well, I cannot tell you how many arguments we had while in Italy in regards to me leaving my career so that he could pursue his. Yes, I recouped and landed a pretty sweet gig there but I had planned on staying with Pulte Homes for my career, I loved it and the people I worked with. An really when we had met the Air Force was meant to be in the rearview mirror within that next year but he opted to stay in and he opted to go on to the volunteer list for Korea which lead to the Air Force sending him to Italy...and as the crazy girl that I am I wanted to stay in my home town of Phoenix forever but as crazy as it was my boss encouraged me to go to get that world experience. As I wrote emails back home to my family and friends I am sure she was shocked to hear the news just as I was to report home about but the thing is as much as I would love to say he is the reason for this path of multiple pregnancy he is not. I might have gotten on this crazy path of losing in different countries and states because of him but it's truly not his fault, at all. In fact if this was meant to be my story than it would have happened where ever I was. This experience...this worldly experience has taught me so much more than what Italians eat and how they deal with emotions it has taught me to rely rely rely upon God...no matter what a person says, including your husband.