Ya'll it's been a fierce couple of weeks that I am not even sure where they went to but I do know it involved a few Doctor appointments for not only myself but for Ms. Emma as she's been sick with mucus everywhere. Although my Doctor appointments were needed they weren't for any type of cold in fact it was more for routine physical and mental health check to see how I was doing...which lately seems to be a loaded question. See, this month is a very bittersweet and hard month, see this month...actually this week would have been the week that we found out the real gender of the sweet baby I carried and just as monumental as his short life was these important dates that pass by sting, sting to the point of tears. For me balancing life that proceeds and my 3rd loss seem to be a struggle these days...life has gone flying by since that day and as the emotions that come up in the grief cycle that seem to be so distant but yet so close when triggered come up I want to simply stuff them away in a suite case because they hurt, they create this confusion, and they bring moments where no words can be said.
See the struggle for me sometimes is "why? why didn't you show up Lord? Where is your Favor? Why again Lord? You knew Lord that the hardest emotional struggle I've had in life is the Ectopic Pregnancy, so why am I here again? " These moments of constant mind-boggling come and most of the time they are at night or in the car when my mind wonders. But this Sunday on the way to Church I had one of those moments where my mind went wandering and then this song by Natalie Grant called Held, came on...the first few words went like so:
Two months is too little They let him go They had no sudden healing To think that providence would Take a child from his mother while she prays Is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? We're asking why this happens To us who have died to live? It's unfair
This is what it means to be held How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive This is what it is to be loved And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held
If hope is born of suffering If this is only the beginning
Cue the tears, because this is what I've been feeling...thank you Natalie Grant.
So at that moment I stopped and realized that this pain, these emotions this struggle, this hurt is drawing me closer and making me grow and grow with him. Even though I have questions it's made me seek and seek him more and he is walking with me during this time, he knows my heart without my words being said.
I remember when I experienced my first Ectopic Pregnancy I didn't understand how someone could say that in turmoil, hurt, pain or loss that their God was still good. This time as we drove to the hospital and I explained to J if it weren't for the losses that I wouldn't be who I am today and I wouldn't be where I am with God but if it was another Ectopic Pregnancy my heart couldn't handle it because knowing that I had a perfectly healthy baby in the wrong spot just tears me to pieces, I am sure in that moment God knew that I would be needing him to be with me because I got news that it was another Ectopic Pregnancyand as I laid on the bed awaiting surgery and got even more news that this surgery would most likely would leave me no natural way to conceive I had this peace in my heart that fully trusted what he was doing and I could easily say that he was and still is good in my heart.
Since the surgery we've gotten the not so good news that it's not recommended to have anymore kids due to the damage to my uterus without having vast consequences and to be honest it's thrown me because that was not my plan...not my plan at all. But the thing is, I need to re-realize that my plans have nothing to do with me...because God is greater than me and my plans. So during this time of in-between, hoping and waiting to see what he's doing in my life I hold hope and cling to him for his words and his love is what will get me through this because he is good.