The silence...the lack of control...the accepting of what is...is what's going on here in this sweet heart of mine. In this silence that has come the last 8 or so days comes a deep realization of the lack of control that I have. I sat in a social worker's room last week and poured my heart out about how things should be or how I should be 20.5 weeks and one of the sweet things that came out of this heart pouring session was this realization of my plan for my life, that without speaking I've been living by. Let me be realistic here I had this picture of a white picket fence, wraparound porch, 3.5 kids and 2 dogs...and to be honest, watching that not happen (especially with kids) is hard to watch especially when that is your idea of perfect/happiness/balance.
I look at all of these things that I am good at, I look at all the rules I've followed in life, I looked at how many times I've forgiven without question and then I just look at my life where I've strived to be the best at everything I choose to pour my heart into and to realize that this, this delicate part of life where literally little miracles are created is where I fall short at and where it is an emotional and physical mess for me, is hard...and it definitely is not something you set out to do but you have to learn how to maneuver it without damaging or attacking yourself.
The loss of Samson was my 3rd loss and it has changed some things inside me and to be honest I haven't figured it all out yet but so far I've realized that this thing inside me that has changed is my heart. I have this deep realization now (more than I ever have) that I am broken and I am not perfect because I was born a sinner saved by Gods grace. Losing pregnancies losing that sweet life inside of you that you carried does not make you any less loveable, it does not make you any less of a woman, any less valuable and it does not make you a failure, at all.
God makes us broken so that he can heal and grow us to be more like what he wants us to be. God knows I struggle with this strive for perfection, the acceptance of loss for those people who have died unjustly in my eyes, he knows the depth of my sorrow that comes from what I've experienced with these 3 losses and he is teaching me so graciously to rely upon him and his plan for me even if it is not what I want. He knows what is good for me and he knows for me right now in this moment of life that me feeling these moments of brokenness is okay because he will teach and heal me in the process or rebuilding my heart.
When I first lost Samson I thought that within a month or so we would try again and move forward and have yet another rainbow baby but here I am unable to change the outcome of my spouse now being overseas, or the riskiness pregnancy now has for me, I am unable to truly say "it is safe for me to carry another child" and I am now unable to move forward like I had planned...I am left to only accept where I am...I am left to accept that these three losses were on a special (but difficult) assignment and I am left to only rely upon God in a way I never have before and be OKAY with it. It might come after months of brokenness and grasping at God's word but that is where I am, like it or not...I am here in these moments of human helplessness and vulnerability...a place where my faith can be made stronger and where God can truly be my only go to man.