It's been awhile

It's been a little while huh? Well, I've been off solving world issues of the heart and working like a mad woman. Someone told me that I would come to this spot in the grief process, you know the spot of being spiritually and relationship raw. I do not want to face a baby, especially a newborn and I have withdrawn from a lot of close friends in order to take care of my emotions,  see my emotions are on an emotional high where it's simply just hard to know that I am a woman of 2 beautiful children that has lost two three additional babies and two due to the decision of my doctor to save my own life. Being faced with two ectopic pregnancies is a very messy situation emotionally because as a Mother you love your baby and having to make a decision knowing that the life that you carry within you is not going to be fruitful the way you expected is truly a tear jerker. But with that being said, I knew that I needed help, not getting stuck in this place so I sought out someone to talk to, someone to be real with me, someone to not fully understand what it's like to lose a pregnancy but to understand where I am at with God and where I am at in the grief cycle. As much as I like to minimize and say it is what it is, I know that one of these days when I am having a conversation the emotions of all three losses will hit me like a Mac truck and I would really appreciate that not happening and the only way I see that not happening is to seek this person to help me not get stuck, for me to read the word of God and for me to talk to God, no matter how pissy I feel about the situation that I've been through.

An to think I laughed when someone told me it will be a 9 month grieving process, boy were they right. Before I let you go until the next posting, I've been reading over and over Ecclesiastes and this right now is mixing in my thoughts and heart, Ecclesiastes 3 1:8.

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. 2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. 3 A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. 4 A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. 5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 6 A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. 7 A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. 8 A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.

Jusika Martinez

Tucson, Arizona, USA