My Ears Are Not Listening!

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways." (Isaiah 55:8-9) Ladies (and Gentlemen?) if you would have asked where I've been I honestly would have to say searching in what feels like a very very dry desert. My body and sometimes my brain wants to move forward (quickly) from this pregnancy loss because it is a deep painful reminder of what is and in some aspects the raw pain of the loss has subsided, but I find myself alone in the words of the bible many many nights searching for God's knowledge, wisdom, strength, guidance and hell even grace. There are so many plans that run through my head on what I want to do, and to be honest one of those plans came into manifestation which was a new job opportunity in a better paying position, but required more hours and time away from the girls and my usual life, after 7 interviews it didn't work out and honestly I am not surprised. Not saying that I was horrible at the interviewing process, but because that's not where I am being called to right now and I know this deep inside my heart.

There are many, many nights that I am kept awake by this calling and there are my many, many people in my life right now that keep bringing up the same calling and plan without even knowing what's been festering in my heart, but I cannot seem to find enough knowledge, strength, comfort or courage to remove these freaking cement blocks from my feet. All I want to do right now is cling and find more and more wisdom in God's words and I feel like I am trying to prepare myself for this,  but something tells me I can't. See, the thing is right now I feel like all I am hearing is a dial tone when I talk to God and as I type this I am realizing that maybe it's because I am not wanting to hear what he's calling me to...it's uncomfortable, it's not where I thought I would be at the age of 29 nor is it something I ever thought I would be "known" for. 

I guess know, I just have to hold faith that Gods grace will carry me to and through what he has planned for me after this loss because in our relationship with God, His purpose is to conform us to the image of His Son. And, He’s content with doing things in his own time, not ours and we, on the other hand, want everything without suffering, pain, or sacrifice on our part. And God’s only response to that is - too bad meaning I need to adjust my thinking from I’m doing this my way to letting him do what he is calling and guiding me to without these cement bricks or push backs.

Can I get an Amen? Can my heart be free of this fear of his calling and can it be before he puts me in the fire. I mean really! Pray for me Ya'll as I work through these next few weeks.

Jusika Martinez

Tucson, Arizona, USA