Part 1: Getting to Know Why I am Here Sharing My Story.
What a whirlwind of a week, I truly cannot believe that it's already Wednesday again. I know it's been rather quiet around here, a lot has been going on that I've needed to process through and even now as I type I am truly unsure of it all. I sometimes assume that everyone knows my story or background or how I even ended up here so I wanted to take a moment and recap. So, here we go....on to the story of my top events of my life and how this blog came into. In July of 2005 (two weeks after I turned 21) I got married after six months of dating to Gooseman. Obviously, that nickname is a play on words, but he's in the Air Force and I like to keep him safe, that is until he comes home and doesn't do the dishes...then I will gladly give any hitman his site quadrants (totally joking). Anyway, we were part cray cray getting married that quickly, but as you can see, that's almost 9 years ago and we've still got it, but to be honest we have had huge bumps in our marriage that have caused us to do a lot of work as an individual and as a couple.
So here we go...we're married...and just a little over 1 year into our marriage, my Grandmother died of gangrene, I sat for two almost three weeks watching her deteriorate and die due to bed sores not being taken care of by a nursing home. My Grandmother started raising me at the age of 72 and as I went into high school the roles reversed and after spending 20+ years with her a lot of my characteristics came from her influence and overall just her place in my life was huge. So, when she died it hit me hard, especially the way it happened. A few short months later Gooseman was set to re-enlist for a term of 4 years (which ended up being 5, but that's another story) and he had this urge of being in the "real" Air Force, being at a training base was simply not cutting it for him in his career. He then updated his dream sheet (this is where you dream and put places where you think you might want to go to be stationed at next) no more than 6 months later he had orders on what is called a remote tour (one year away from your family in unsaid location) and six months later he left to start that tour (this was now the end of 2007). During our time apart, we skyped...alot and not far into that tour we were rumored (nothing is fact until papers saying so are in your hand) to go to Italy. At that point I was not happy, and I was not going to go until my boss caught wind and said she was going to fire me if I don't go. My hesitation was one I had given up on having kids (just didn't seem to be working out with us), I became very settled in my job as a Direct Mail Marketer with Pulte Home and as naive as it sounds I possibly might not have known where Italy was nor did I want to get on a plane to get there. In October 2008 I quit my job and I spent a month, saying farewell.
November of 2008 I got on a plane and went from Phoenix to Georgia to New York to Venice to Aviano all within 23 hours and needless to say I was pregnant and did not know it. After about one week in country my hormones and sleep did not settle and I was throwing up wine (and no I was not having vast amounts) so I went to the Doctor for a potty test while Gooseman was at work and I truly did not think twice about it, I mean we had been trying and it wasn't happening prior so why would it now? Well, the joke was on me. I called and gave them my secret pin and she said "Ma'am, it's positive!" and I said "WHAT the hell? What does positive mean? WHAT am I going to do? I just quit my job, I have no way to pay for this child and it's not coming out of my hoooha" She laughed and asked if I needed counseling. This mini-freak out was going on while J going into the store to get a soda and a snickers. When he came out he asked who I was screaming at like that because I didn't know anyone here that long to do that to." I simply said "no one, it's all good don't worry about it" and I continued to drive and nearly ran into an oncoming car. At that point he asked me what was up and I screeched in this "what am I going to do, I might be a loser and not be 25 before I give birth" voice saying 'I am pregnant and I have to go see someone about pills", needless to say the car ride was pretty silent after that because just as I was in shock, so was he. Fast forward to the 2nd of July in 2009 - I was highly pregnant (38 weeks) and I had just walked the path of a high risk pregnancy that consisted of weeks of bedrest that ended in a Patocin induced labor due to no amniotic fluid. After delivery I was sedated immediately due to a blood hemorrhage where I lost a little over two liters of blood due to being left on Patocin for 22 hours, her birth story can be read here.
So we waited about six weeks after having Emma and I have to say not more than one week later I was pregnant, but I did not know it. In early September I got a positive pregnancy test and I was elated, beyond elated in fact that day I went home and started moving furniture, making lists and looking online. Just a few short weeks later I started to have pain and bleeding. I was not far enough along at that time, just about 6 weeks, so they did not do an ultrasound. I went for weeks doing hormone testing hoping that I was not losing the baby, it was a lot of turmoil. On Friday I called to get a final reading and he said they (the hormone testing) looked perfect and I was having a baby. I then mentioned to him the pain, he was off on Monday, so we scheduled a Tuesday Ultrasound because I would have been just around 9 weeks along. I went in that Tuesday and my whole world changed, I ended up having an ectopic pregnancy stuck in the left tube. The story of Max can be read here. This event devastated me as a woman and a mother, having to go through surgery and knowing that you will be ending the life of your living baby for your own safety broke my heart and my faith. I experienced a lot of pain emotionally and physically after, especially with losing my tube and knowing that baby had a heartbeat.
Here I was pregnant with Max while holding a almost three month Emma-Bemma
In July, after we experienced Max's due date (June 4th) we decided to start trying again, in September we found I was expecting again and on October12th, 2010 I started to bleed again, bright red blood so the Doctor did an ultrasound and there was no heart beat so on October 13th, 2010 I went in for a D&C. You can read Ethan's story here.
When walking away from the second loss, on the same day as the year before I was at a loss emotionally, especially after the Doctor mentioned that it would 7-8 months before we got pregnant again. My relationship with God was here nor there, I didn't really favor him, but I didn't shut him out like I did before in 2009 but as I explain a lot to Gooseman is that this loss was easier because God did his part by having the baby have no heartbeat, but my heart was still broken...I mean who says good-bye to your child on the same day that you lost the year before? Obviously, me and I felt like I was living a total nightmare.