I remember in September this joyful relief of being pregnant. I was more than elated to come out of a dark season of healing from our life in Italy. What I wasn't prepared for was to lose that baby (who we now call Samson) through a second ectopic pregnancy. I jokingly tell people that I naïvely thought what happened in Italy, stays in Italy meaning you lose in Italy, you don't lose in America. . . You know that similar saying about Las Vegas, kind of thought that applied and although I say it jokingly it's really is partially true, I didn't think that losing would follow us to America. If you haven't read about the night we lost Samson, click here.
For myself the loss of Samson is a game changer, this is my third loss and the third time I've turned to God and wondered the daunting question of why? Why must I be faced with this? Why in the world do I have to walk this path of loss? Why must I have five pregnancies and only two here with me? Why did I need to go through those hurtful words said to a mother who has lost? Why would God allow me to go through this, again? I broke down because I had this overwhelming amount of emotions a few weeks ago on FaceTime with J, asking those questions. Neither of us have a family history of pregnancy loss and neither of us truly understands why we've been chosen to walk this path nor face the reality of a failed delicate dream multiple times. I often tell J how ectopic pregnancies are hard because you are faced with knowing your baby has a live heartbeat, but they are stuck in the wrong place. The only thing that saves me from truly feeling like a murder is the fact that I know that in a few days or weeks that the baby would not have a heart beat and more likely neither would I because depending on the location of that ectopic pregnancy could depend on if I have my life or not. Where Samson was is one of the most deadly locations, and from what I've found out about my Doctor, is that he is only contracted in that hospital for a few days a month, a month...get that? I just happened to surrender to the pain and go into the hospital that is not known for good experiences on the right night and I was so greatfully given a Doctor who had a vast knowledge in ectopic pregnancies.
Although I had a full registry of baby items and planned on gracefully battling it out with J for the name that I wanted, the night that I lost I felt this extreme peace, especially thinking that I would loose all natural ways to conceive that night to only find out that Samson was in the cusp of what was left of the left tube where I lost Max. Although it was a different place, it has changed so much in my life on where we can and cannot go and how I move forward, and if and when conceive another baby.
These last 7 months were not easy, dealing with emotions of any loss is hard, but after a third loss it can be very hard because it is easier to surrender your heart to the anger, bitterness and rage especially if you end up dealing with the residual issues from the surgery. Although I have prayed for years for God to teach me what he's doing with me through these losses and although I say I surrender to his plan, there are days my human heart wants to handle this and my human heart think's that it knows better, but I know it truly doesn't and I know as a human my heart and my relationship with God are not always going to be calm, but I have this deep and utter trust in God and that his plan is greater than mine.
It hurts to have your planned broke into 1001 pieces, especially if you're expecting a baby, and as I woke up today on Samson's due date with tears in my eyes, and no pregnant belly or newborn baby in tote I had this calm piece that God has so much more planned for me. Even in this pain, morning and difficult moment I will rejoice in his name.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1- 8