After experiencing two pregnancy losses my heart, my faith and whatever hope I had was broken. I was hurting and I felt this constant feeling of being alone, no one in my community understood the emotions after one ectopic pregnancy loss, let alone an additional miscarriage, no one got it. Their answer was to "just get over it", how exactly do you do that? Although, I became a Christian at 15 I had this shallow interpretation of what faith and a relationship with God should be and let me tell you...God allowing me to lose a pregnancy let alone two, was not my ideal idea of my walk with God. And even though I sought after God, it was still this surface relationship, I did not want to trust. My eyes opened vastly during the death of my hospital roommate Flo, it was like the conversation with God couldn't or would not cease. It was like the flood gates opened of my heart, how in this world could I be experiencing such a blessing and joy while grieving? Why did God put me there? Was it to learn from it? No human actually knows. So when I got to California I had this goal of changing how the community of military spouses acted or served each other. I wanted community and deep community at that. Not the shallow "Army Wife" community with a splash of Jerry Springer. I wanted something that served for the better good of everyone, not just one or the "in crowd". But after one failed attempt after another I came to this point, a point in which I would like to call a pivoting point. It was a situation where I went through the most humiliating public manhunt and slander. And even though I was trying to bring light into the dark, trying to push forth to make a positive and much needed change I was the bad one, I was one of the few that saw the need for change. I remember talking and praying with the Chaplin that oversaw the mediation between myself and the single voice of what it is to be said many. I remember him talking to me about timing and forcing change when others are not open to it. After I fought the good fight for a few rounds, I backed away and backed away quickly.
If you had met me in 2008, 2011 or even 2012 you could would be able to see a vast difference in my personality. I went from being this girl that was part of the click to the one who was being chastised and slandered by the click. See, the thing is, my demeanor changed, although I hadn't been one to publicly pick a side, I began to verbalize "No, I will not choose a side/talk bad because you are" because I knew in my heart that is not what God wanted of my voice. As these instances popped up over and over again, I continued to speak the truth that God was laying on my heart to these women and slowly, but surely I lost every single friendship that I had. It was hard, but it also allowed me to pull away and find myself and where I stood even more, it also allowed me to cultivate relationships that were not based on drinking, gossip and slander. The relationships that I've been allowed to create since then have been based on him, his word and what he was doing in our lives. Throughout that time I also prayed this prayer daily for him to teach me whatever he wanted me to learn.
Oh boy, that's like opening up Pandora's box huh? Well, his response was silent for many months, but I continued to have faith that he would teach me all that he wanted to from being stationed out in the desert. I continued going to church and seeking him and I finally felt like I was floating in my relationship with God and in retrospect, probably not a good thing. Then I found myself saying to J on the way to the emergency room, "If I am loosing he will use this to change my heart because he has already done that with the other two losses". As we wrapped our head around grasping losing through an ectopic for my third loss and as I laid in that bed in the emergency room listening to a woman scream obnoxious profanities all I could do is pray and worship him. I pray and prayed that night that he would teach me what he wanted to with this loss and use me for whatever he felt my calling was.
As I've walked this path of grief for the third time he has placed this heavy calling of sharing my story to those who have struggled, not only in pregnancy loss, but in their overall life and relationship with God so that I can point them back to him because without him, I am nothing. And even though he allowed me to loose for the third time his affliction upon my heart is what has me sitting here pouring out to you right now. He has grown my heart leaps and bounds to use me for his glory, if you would have asked me in July of 2013 if I would be creating community...not only in real life, but here on my blog or at The Influence Network and Trive Moms I would have flat out said you're crazy! One I wouldn't have trusted a woman to even begin to start a dialog with her, let alone create community with. I've prayed and prayed over the last nine months for him to do what he wants, to use me for his glory and to be honest, even though I prayed for it, I haven't been moving towards what he's placed on my heart or even obeying him in this area because for me wearing these cement bricks on my feet is far more comfortable than where he's wanting to me to be, or where he's placing and pulling me. See for me it is a bit scary and totally not in the realm of being an introvert, but slowly I've felt him easing me into it. But as I sat in church this last week, I felt convicted to move more than just the drawing board or the "yeah okay God". So, with all of that and a bag of chips Life As The Artist is currently going under a remodel and just as I will be turning into the chapter of my 30's on July 8th I will also be turning a new intentional chapter here at Life As The Artist.
So join me and my sponsors on July 8th for my relaunch of Life As The Artist!