Going into 2014 I wasn’t sure of anything - my blog, my dreams, where I would live in 12 months, heck I wasn’t even sure I could "make it” in the season that I was in, which was working full-time, going to school full-time, healing from another loss, mothering two little children and volunteering while my husband was on an overseas assignment. I REALLY hate using this terminology, but it
As January rolled around I continued my time on the couch in my church councilors office and I allowed God to just simmer in me as we walked another loss and another grief cycle. As you've obviously seen this grief cycle has had moments of anger, moments of pure sorrow and moments of just helplessness that for whatever reason I kept turning over to God. It’s like “God, I can’t handle this, it’s all yours…” It doesn’t mean that I didn’t have to deal with the ugliness that another loss can bring, but it was saying that he had control of it to help me work through it. Healing is funny, because it’s not like it has an expiration date, but I can say as you start on the path of healing that there is a peace that comes when you just surrender it all. With the loss of Max I stayed angry until his due date - it’s not like it was a magical date, but it was the date I felt that maybe, just maybe, that I could stop being angry for the child that God allowed to be taken away. I was angry that he put me in that situation and I was angry that it was ME that it happened to. With the loss of Samson I found myself broken differently - angry, yes, but angry enough to allow God to handle that injustice that I’ve lived in that moment of life. I allowed myself to be a mess when needed and I allowed myself to take care of myself, which are things I didn’t do last time.
Work - well, work gave me the test of a lifetime - not only did I grow sales through what I did, I grew as a woman and I was tested in ways that I never thought I would be. I learned to stand up for myself, my beliefs, my knowledge and my God. I also learned hustling to be the best or be the money maker might get you seen, but it also makes you the go to girl, always - even if it’s 11pm at night or 5am in the morning. Never again, never. This I promise myself.
In 2014 I found that I was giving more of myself online (at The Influence Network & Thrive Moms) and somewhere in the middle of the year I found myself running like a zombie was chasing me away from the internet. No fear friends, I took that zombie down. What did I learn from that? Guns blazing with smoke coming from pistol in which you just shot over email is not the way to do business, even if it’s not how you intended it, it can always be taken that way. I also learned a little more about authentic community and how God would like us to handle each other - which I will be speaking about in 2015. An somewhere in the middle of the mess I found community and sisters that I never thought I would. Leading a community group online has been the most rewarding thing about the internet thus far.
2014 was a huge growth year for me - in faith, in trust, in grace and in doing what I am called to do. I’ve been able to share the gospel through sharing my journey and I’ve also been able to start a change in a place I never thought I would ever see change thanks to the many men & women in the Air Force who've been willing to listen and help me make that change. As 2014 closes I find myself constantly being asked by God “Are you ready?” and as crazy as it sounds and as many times as it’s been brought up, asked and mulled over I can whole heartedly say YES YES YES YES. I have no clue what 2015 will reveal, but it’s going to be a year in which I say YES to God - even when I want to say “um, can we skip this?” I am going to do it with a HECK YES! I want his sovereign reign in all of this messy, crazy adventurous life.