6 & 5 Years Ago Today...Max & Ethan

6 years ago today I walked into an ultrasound appointment for our second child (Max) and I experienced a heartbreaking situation & emotion. A situation that I had never expected and many emotions that I had never felt before. It was the situation of loss and the emotions of being unable or incapable to fix something for your baby. My heart broke that day in a way that I hadn’t experienced before and in a way I didn’t know what to do with. I often say that I look at this moment as the moment where I started started to unravel. I've never looked or said that this is the day that God took over because this was truly the day I first started to yell and scream at Him for putting me in that situation. 6 years ago I had to say “see you later” to what I was told to be a healthy baby just in the wrong spot. 6 years ago I started to realize that those sweet weeks that Max spent with me where the purpose to his life.  

As heartbreaking as that day was, that day was the start of Him pulling me closer without me realizing it. He allowed it and I have greatly learned from it in ways that even to this day I cannot explain.

Sadly, 1 year later to the day I was in the operating room again. This time I felt as if I was stuck in a very sad melodrama movie. But there was a relief this time around where I felt spared simply because I knew that this time the heart had stopped on its own. I didn't have this battle within me about ending Ethan's life because God spared me of that heartache that I felt with Max. Although I felt spared it didn’t spare me from the grief of losing my third pregnancy 1 year later to the date. 5 years ago, God took that baby away because it wasn’t healthy and because it didn't have a purpose of spending its life here on earth with me. 

“Am I cursed? Did I do something wrong? Did God hate me? WHY me?” For awhile I felt that pull almost every day and I had to fight through it, I had to find that this was a part of his plan of molding me into something... 

As I navigated this road experiencing 1 more birth, 1 more loss while currently holding and feeling a very active baby within me, I’ve come to the conclusion that we live in a broken world and my body is less than perfect, BUT He loves me and He has a plan for me and each of these babies. I strongly feel that these things that don’t go as I planned were there for growth and for my eyes to be opened to the pain & brokenness of this worlddoes God plan these things? I know he has every day of our lives planned and he knows what will happen. Do I believe he would allow imperfect things to happen to me such as loss? Yes. Why? Well, I can tell you from my own experience it was for my own growth it was to help me be a better Mom, sister, friend, woman and most importantly a more mature follower of Christ. Does it take any of the pain of missing my children away? HECK NO. I often wonder what they would be like, but on the same hand, I look at the two children he’s entrusted to me with and think man I am lucky - not only do I get to have these girls walk life with mebut when I go to heaven I have those sweet faces to meet that God has been taking care of.  

Each year, each Heaven date of each of my Angels doesn't go unnoticed, just like their presence is felt, they are a part of our family and they are ours that God entrusted us with. We get to tell their story, we get to tell how each loss has affected us as people, as a couple and as a family. 

Max & Ethan - you are missed, you are so deeply loved here and I am thankful that you two have come before two of your sisters and get to encourage each of the little babies that come down from heaven. We've been blessed and you two are a part of those blessings.