These last six months have been filled with a lot of therapy. I could easily say I haven’t been through a lot these last six months because I really like to minimize things and because the things I have been through are more emotional and personal than lack of privilege or going through what I did as a child. It’s easy for me to start comparing my problems next to each other and say that some don’t stack up to others, but that would be a lie and right now in therapy we’re talking about acceptance. So alas…here I am trying to see value in each situation and crossroad. Personally, I am starting to think that each thing we come to in life is important and I don’t believe each is less impactful than the other because each item impacts us and changes us, so there for it's important.
Today I want to talk about the lack of acceptance, more so my refusal of accepting that point of impact/situation.
Acceptance is the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered. It is also 1 part of a very tangled grief cycle that we go through when we lose something of value. That something for me was my womb, as referred to on my therapy paperwork as a very important “person or thing". I am 100% sure I have not accepted that day because I wrestle & fight and try to google for a womb replacement program (this I kid, because I already know there isn’t one). BUT I wrestle with being too young, being “stupid” for pushing it, and simply being able to never have children again at the age of 31 again. It is a huge change in which I was not prepared for, and in hindsight, I am not sure you can prepare…but you know what I mean…there are women ready to lose their womb and there are women like me who find value in being a woman in their womb and would never get rid of it.
As I stood in yoga while sweating and listening to a sad song, you know the ones that play in the background of the movie to let you know this is a somber moment? I realized something, well more than 1 thing a few things, but one of them is that this is the saddest point in my life - I am a mess and two this season of my life is like the movie Celeste and Jesse Forever. If you haven’t seen this movie, it’s about Celeste and Jesse…(obviously) but they are best friends and marital partners going through a divorce. Celeste wants Jesse to grow up - but he doesn’t and he ends up getting another woman pregnant that he had a one night stand with…please note this is not what I am relating to. What I am relating to is this season of life where Celeste loses herself in a state of drunk & fitness mess.
Granted, I can’t drink, I have to deal with this sober I feel like this is the worst break up of my life….my womb defected…and I couldn’t do anything about it. Am I lost in some aspects? Yes, but in that funky loss/growth aspect that you wouldn’t do on your own. I am wandering in life and in emotions that I’ve never looked at before. I looking for what femininity looks like without a womb and that’s okay because I am finding myself and things I value more along the way. Womb loss isn’t what it’s cracked up to be, but it’s giving me a great perspective and it’s giving me things that I didn’t realize I needed like to being kind to myself and in investing in really good friends. One day this season will pass and every year around that time I almost died because of my womb, I’ll remember and value where I am even more…but for now I sit here in this gray area of lack of acceptance - sitting in and feeling this season and all it has for me.